O.K. been cr8zy busy l8tly ;) But still seem 2 have time 4 JeSsE ;), but I don’t know, bcuz the otherd8 Jesse called me an Enigma! Now I wuz aware of the definition meaning “mystery”, but U know me,,,,and I had 2 look it up! And yes, it meant “mystery,” but I also discovered that it also meant, “Enigma is Latin and from Greek Enigmat from ainissesthai, which mean to speak in riddles, also the word derives from ainos, which means fable.....Huh? ;/. Well, Webster didn’t stop there, it went on 2 offer other defining meanings;/ which were; 1. an obscure speech or writing; 2. something hard 2 understand or explain; 3. an Inscrutable (Not readily investigated, interpreted or understood:Mysterious ) or mysterious person....Hahahahaha, really? Really Jesse? An Enigma???? I guess I am taken back by their perception, but Wiki s8z, and I quote “An enigma is a type of riddle generally expressed in metaphorical or allegorical language that requires ingenuity and careful thinking for its solution. I guess you should get buzy on that SOLUTION!!! Edgar Allan Poe, put it this w8, "Seldom we find," says Solomon Don Dunce, "Half an idea in the profoundest sonnet.
Through all the flimsy things we see at once
As easily as through a Naples bonnet.
Trash of all trash! how can a lady don it?
Yet heavier far than your Petrarchan stuff-
Owl downy nonsense that the faintest puff
Twirls into trunk-paper the while you con it."
And, veritably, Sol is right enough.
The general tuckermanities are arrant
Bubbles- ephemeral and so transparent
But this is, now, you may depend upon it
Stable, opaque, immortal, all by dint
Of the dear names that he concealed within 't.
Our rel8tionship is an ENIGMA ;) Whats a girl 2 do when she is confronted with the reality of that there's never much2 say between the moments of our games and repartee. There's never much to read betweeen the lines of
what we need and what we'll take! There's never much 2 talk about or say aloud, but you should desire 2 say it anyway....But what about the business of holidays and yesterdays, and broken dreams, that somehow slipped away.......In books and magazines on how 2 be and what 2 see,,,,,messages received while I am being!!!! Before and after photographs teach how to pass from reaching 2 believing......We live beyond our means on other people's dreams,,,and that's succeeding;/ Between the lines of photographs I've SEEN THE PAST------IT ISN’T PLEASING!!!!! What the Hell,,,,,,,So strike another match.....We'll have another glass of wine, and dance until the evening's dead of too much song and time.......There's never much 2 speak about, or read between the lines of what we dream about, when we're apart qnd no one's looking on 2 say you're mine!!!!! It was a good year then, it was a good year then 19 years ago,,,,,,,I certainly remember!!!!!Remember the time, around “Flossy Glossy” that 1 time you threw the looking glass and seemed a fool, or very clever!!!! Don't spoil it all, I can't recall a time when you were struck without an answer......But we still could live a quiet peaceful time between the lines,,,and go together.... Soooooo I'm striking up the band 2 play our last hurrah and we can dance until we've killed another evening off.... Don't think of anyone but me and I promise, I'll have no lovers on the side....2nite is all we've ever dreamed about, so 4 once let's get it right!!!! I'll go down flying in the end, through another bottle in between the lines!!!!! I'll go down like a ship of state, so fucking PlEaSe,,,,let's be gracious now, Between The Lines.......Damnit J.I. Ur Just the gift that keeps on giving ;)........Flowz ain't soooo bad herself, although,.. she had another 1 of her dreamz, again ;),,,, whats up wit that;/???? Peace and Loooovvvvveeee...SoRare s8ng, Goodnite/Morning ;)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Fuck Loving You!
Somebody told me once that pain is a game we all gotta pay’ then why am I broke and working in sudden death every other day! I know before good can abide there a certain amount of pain I gotta pay, but I’ve paid till I’m poor and I still don’t know what it is to have a good day! Since everybody knows what it is I’m suppose to do, well do me a favor, won’t you worry about you and me worry about me.....I don’t need knowone to put me down and mope around, cuz I can’t get no lower,and I don’t need knowone to hang around and make me frown, it just makes me look older... I don’t need knowone to black my eyes and make me cry over nobody else..I can do bad all by myself!!!! Somebody told me once that running from the rain don’t make no sence, I have my own dark clouds for a whille now and it goes wherever I’m going...they telling me the grass is greener on the otherside, but I don’t wanna take a chance on sum dirt when I got grass, even though the grass has died...Since everybody knows what it is that I need 2 do, well do me a favor, let me worry about me and you worry about you.I can do bad, I can do bad, don’t waste your time feeling bad for me, I don’t need your sympathy, no, cuz Gods watching over me, so I guess this is where I’m suppose to be....And I dont need someone to tear me down and mope around cuz I cant get no lower, I dont need knowone to hang around and make me frown, just makes me older..And I dont need knowone to black my eyes and tell me lies, dont wanna cry over nobody else, cuz I can do bad all by myself!!!!!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
It's Over Now........
There are sum things that we face, you’ve come to people, and it seems like they just dont want 2 know...I understand it....I’ve been there....I am there....As a matter of fact, let me s8 it like this......I’ve hurt sooo many nights, I’ve cried sooo many hours , just trying 2 make it right. But just didn’t have the Power.....And you’ve ignored all my tears and it hurt me soooo bad....you wanted them 2 disappear. I tried 2 let it go but I guess, you don’t wanna know..?.. Listen up you, if I had a dime for everytime I tried 2 call your name, something tells me, that I would be wealthy...... But I’ve learned that I can cope, yes I did...Through my struggles I have discovered that I can make it in nights so long and cold, so freakn cold, you don’t know how cold, but I discovered I can take it!.....Now I wouldn’t change a thing, not for the knowledge that I’ve gained...I have also discovered in my trials, and I’ve learned that I can grow, and I really did...I tried to let it go-I DID. I tried to let it show, but I guess,,, you just don’t wanna know....You really don’t wanna know how many nights I’ve cried, you don’t know how many times I felt I would die, ,,,but I kept on moving, I kept on hoping, I kept on believing and now I can tell you that I’M OVER IT NOW, and I can’t EXPLAIN IT, but right now, I’m over it! This morning I just broke free, the chains they just fell off of me. People can talk about me, just as you please, but I’m all grown up now, and I’m over it now, finally got the victory over this foolishness, cuz I’m over it now..... I can’t s8 how, but I’m over it. Went to a meeting last week and my heart wasn’t right, but sumthing got a hold of me and I’m over it now!....Thanks KW, the BEST :)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It's My Heart...I Can Give To Whom Ever I Wish....
Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right (Jerry Garcia). The Webster dictionary sayz that clarity is the state of seeing clearly. I usually achieve clarity in those moments of startling insight when I am able to shift my perspective by viewing a situation in a new light....I empathize Terry, but you still have no right to behave the way that you did the other day. I never lied to you regarding Jesse, and even though you have strong oppinions regarding my choices, it still does not give you the right to bereft me of peace and happiness in my own choices.....It is my heart....I can give it to whom ever I choose..."Just trying to be supportive"...Really????Well there are two ways of spreading light: to either be the candle or the mirror that reflects it! (Edith Wharton). Your neither my candle nor my mirror! FYI-Your delivery SUCKS! And I will not engage in the blame game.
Support is holding up from underneath. You support someone when you WILLINGLY step forward to strengthen, energize and help her through a difficult time....Every person creates his or her own reality. Authorship of my life is one of my absolute rights and I am not one of those people denying the fact that I have the ability to script the life I desire (if I can only convince the other participant to jump in-we would be well on our way). I am painfully aware of the fact that I have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout my lifetime. I take responsibility, which means I admit my accountabi8lity and acknowledge my influence and role in the circumstances in which I now find myself. Did I make the wrong choice? Only I can determine that! I am answerable for my own behavior and I fully accept any consequences created by my actions..Ur a lawyer, you should know all about this! Although I take responsibility, responsibility is not blame, and understnding the difference between the two is crucial to learning MY LESSONS!! I release All!!! I fully am aware that release is just the simple act of letting go. There are times, like right now, when I take full responsibility for the progression, or lack of progression of a relationship, and there are time, like now, when I need to just let go and walk away.....I need to release this situation in order to save my energy for more important battles.
I am learning the lesson of release as I begin to choose it as a conscious act rather than a passive means to hide from responsibility.....I AM SORRY....Never meant to hurt you by my choices that have proven to be unbeneficial to you or for you.....FYI..I have courage! I think it takes courage to embrace the idea that what I make of my life is up to me and to actually do what I need to do. I also believe that courage is learned in the moment that one takes a leap of faith and take action.
Sometimes my fear can be nameless, even though I am pretty sure I will not injure myself, and failure isn't a real concern. I suppose I am simply afraid in the way that humans often are when they stand poised to jump, metaphorically or literally into the unknown. But my fear, real or imagined, only impedes me at times.
I am aware that you think my decisions were based on fear of the unknown of us, but what you do not realize is that, it was not fear that supported my decision to release you, but courage!!
On another note,,I miss Jesse, even though I see them almost daily, sometimes I do not actually see them!!!!
Support is holding up from underneath. You support someone when you WILLINGLY step forward to strengthen, energize and help her through a difficult time....Every person creates his or her own reality. Authorship of my life is one of my absolute rights and I am not one of those people denying the fact that I have the ability to script the life I desire (if I can only convince the other participant to jump in-we would be well on our way). I am painfully aware of the fact that I have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout my lifetime. I take responsibility, which means I admit my accountabi8lity and acknowledge my influence and role in the circumstances in which I now find myself. Did I make the wrong choice? Only I can determine that! I am answerable for my own behavior and I fully accept any consequences created by my actions..Ur a lawyer, you should know all about this! Although I take responsibility, responsibility is not blame, and understnding the difference between the two is crucial to learning MY LESSONS!! I release All!!! I fully am aware that release is just the simple act of letting go. There are times, like right now, when I take full responsibility for the progression, or lack of progression of a relationship, and there are time, like now, when I need to just let go and walk away.....I need to release this situation in order to save my energy for more important battles.
I am learning the lesson of release as I begin to choose it as a conscious act rather than a passive means to hide from responsibility.....I AM SORRY....Never meant to hurt you by my choices that have proven to be unbeneficial to you or for you.....FYI..I have courage! I think it takes courage to embrace the idea that what I make of my life is up to me and to actually do what I need to do. I also believe that courage is learned in the moment that one takes a leap of faith and take action.
Sometimes my fear can be nameless, even though I am pretty sure I will not injure myself, and failure isn't a real concern. I suppose I am simply afraid in the way that humans often are when they stand poised to jump, metaphorically or literally into the unknown. But my fear, real or imagined, only impedes me at times.
I am aware that you think my decisions were based on fear of the unknown of us, but what you do not realize is that, it was not fear that supported my decision to release you, but courage!!
On another note,,I miss Jesse, even though I see them almost daily, sometimes I do not actually see them!!!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Never Said I Can Handle Not Being With You:)
Question? How does a girl who falls, No actually, she jumps, eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole plummiting into chaos,,,comes out the other end unchanged? The ANSWER....SHE DOESN’T!!! U C I know, bcuz that girl.....IS ME! Since the beginning of summer, I have been ready 2 try, AGAIN.... A little bruised, a little humbled,,,and hopefully, a lkttle smarter! I believe we write our own stories, and each time we think we know the end....WE DON’T!!!! Perhaps luck exist somewhere between the world of chance and from the peace that cums from knowing that in the end, we just can’t know it ALL!!! Lifes funny that way and once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong!
O.K. I am going out 2nite 2 Bush Gardens, so I will make this quick....I have been thinking a great deal about U Know Who.....and.....I realize, I may need to build “my” lovers profile!! What I mean is, professional salespeople know that “learning the customer” is an essential first step toward closing the sale. Admittedly, the clerk at the local discount store may not need to do a lot of research on you in order to sell you a toothbrush or a pair of shoelaces. But the more coplex and ore iportant the transaction is, the more likely it is that the salesperson involved is going to do some serious digging. That’s because they know the more thoroghly they research the customer, the better the connection they’ll make with that customer, and the more liely that interaction will result in a sale. Take a real estate agent, for example. B4 she even walks you through that first house, she is going to get as much history from you as she can. She will find out how many kids you have, where you work, and how long you have been in the market for a home. If you’ve just got to have an extra bedroom for Fido, she will want to know plenty about what matters to you: what your priorities are, what bothers you about your current HOME, how you like to spend your free time. ALL transactions involve the development of relationships, and all relationshps involve transactions. The best relationships involve a thorough understanding of the other person so that the transactions can be MEANINGFUL. In business the currency is money. In intimate relationships the currency id defined by feelings and experiences. In the comemrce and flow of relationships, one rewards their partner not with money, but with feelings of love, acceptance, belonging, and security, visa versa. It is impossible to give you what you need if I don’t understand what you need! If I am the person hunting 4 the house in the scenerio I just described, then I submit that I would appreciate the extra effort that agent takes to get to know me. I would recognize that she is trying to identify my unique needs so that she can meet them by steering me toward what will come closest to fullfilling those needs. In the long run, the profile that she creates of me, her customer, serves my interests and hers.
So Question? How does a girl who falls, No actually, she jumps, eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole plummiting into chaos,,,comes out the other end unchanged? The ANSWER....SHE DOESN’T!!!
O.K. I am going out 2nite 2 Bush Gardens, so I will make this quick....I have been thinking a great deal about U Know Who.....and.....I realize, I may need to build “my” lovers profile!! What I mean is, professional salespeople know that “learning the customer” is an essential first step toward closing the sale. Admittedly, the clerk at the local discount store may not need to do a lot of research on you in order to sell you a toothbrush or a pair of shoelaces. But the more coplex and ore iportant the transaction is, the more likely it is that the salesperson involved is going to do some serious digging. That’s because they know the more thoroghly they research the customer, the better the connection they’ll make with that customer, and the more liely that interaction will result in a sale. Take a real estate agent, for example. B4 she even walks you through that first house, she is going to get as much history from you as she can. She will find out how many kids you have, where you work, and how long you have been in the market for a home. If you’ve just got to have an extra bedroom for Fido, she will want to know plenty about what matters to you: what your priorities are, what bothers you about your current HOME, how you like to spend your free time. ALL transactions involve the development of relationships, and all relationshps involve transactions. The best relationships involve a thorough understanding of the other person so that the transactions can be MEANINGFUL. In business the currency is money. In intimate relationships the currency id defined by feelings and experiences. In the comemrce and flow of relationships, one rewards their partner not with money, but with feelings of love, acceptance, belonging, and security, visa versa. It is impossible to give you what you need if I don’t understand what you need! If I am the person hunting 4 the house in the scenerio I just described, then I submit that I would appreciate the extra effort that agent takes to get to know me. I would recognize that she is trying to identify my unique needs so that she can meet them by steering me toward what will come closest to fullfilling those needs. In the long run, the profile that she creates of me, her customer, serves my interests and hers.
So Question? How does a girl who falls, No actually, she jumps, eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole plummiting into chaos,,,comes out the other end unchanged? The ANSWER....SHE DOESN’T!!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Nothing But Error!
O.K. Have'nt been here in a while,I won't bore you with tooo much about my week, cuz got sum sh$i to talk about! Went to Bush Grrdens Wednesday, lots of people (Devone and Sonya were there:))and "wanna Be's" blah, blah blah, blah. However, my sister sang like an angel. For realz;) Shout out;0. Anywayz, I'v stayed away, bcuz I made the unforgettable error of letting JESSE, know my blog address! Hated IT! Soooooo not so pretty of an reaction, but we are gettin through it;), but still got 2 be true, even if I am unable to do this in other arenas ;) Jesse still won't devulge the answer to my question, which is, "What Do I Do 4 YOU?"! Whatever......Anywayz.
I am a ordinary girl, well hell, sort of ;)! But is it rediculous for me to still believe that deep love and optimism can make a relationship last. I mean, if two people come together becuz they want to, becuz the idea of a life together feels sooo right, becuz they believe that their union is ONE of the things that could complete them....Is this such a rediculous notion? Hold on- cuz I am ALL FOR approaching a relationship seriously, making sacrifices, and promising that I will offer up my heart and soul to another. I am just afraid of not being able to understand, or cope with the REASONZ, or IDEA of the possibility of that "very thing" that I once thought would make me sooo happy, leaves me feeling, trapped, overwhelmed by the unspeakable feeling of disappointment! Been there, done that, no repeats please! aREN'T WE ALL AFRAID OF THIS??? I don't want to second guess myself, be left wondering "how sumthing could go stagnant and painful so quickly! However, I relate to the real world with real problems, real children, real financial demands, and REAL competion for affection-HELL-real stress! AND I do not need to remind us all, that research shows that over two-thirds of couples, married or otherwise, who may or may not, attend relationship counseling, are worse, or at least, no better after one freaken year OF MAKING SECULAR ATTEMPTS TO REPAIR! The divorce rate in America seems to refuse to drop below fifty percent (had one of those), and twenty percent of us will divorce, NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE in our LIFETIME! What the HELL! It is clear that pleasant and generic instructio on how to "communicate" better or theoretical musings that give me great "insight" about my relationships, JUST didn't cut it for me 15 years ago and won't cut it now!
Is it sooooooo impossible to know and impliment a solid, pratical way to reframe my life and my lifestyle in order to create a healthy relationship, rather than live in such a way as to maintain and support a bad one? I need a "clarion call"! An unapologetic command that allows me to strip away all of my defenses and fears, break through my clutter of my past, raise my standards of personal excellence, and stay diligently on course so that I may get what I want in my life. My mission is to peel away the layers of confusion and distorted thinking-"stinkin thinkin" that has dominated my relationships, peel away the false world I have constructed, put myself back in touch with my inner core of consciousness, and apply the answers that HAVE worked for me in the beginning, in the past. All A Girl Wants 2 do is love sumone and be loved back! AUGH! Just becuz I believe that a relationship is ONE of the things that completes me,,,,does not make me a idiot, and I am not some masochist who is looking for a relationship so that I can SUFFER! Nonethess, I know that no matter how much willpower I have to keep hanging in there, there is a line out there, if pushed across, I will say, "Thats enough, I wont take another minute." I know myself well enough to realize that if I cross that line, it will be the beginning of the end. I know my dignity and my heart can take only sooo much, and if it is violated one too many time, then I will finally dig my heels in and the deal will be over in a flash. YOUR line may still be looming way out there in YOUR future somewhere, or at this very moment you might be walking that line like a "Tightrope".
I am not inadequate or incompetent when it comes to a relationship. The brutal and sad fact is that the deck may have been stacked overwhelmingly against me! It is a wonder I have made it this far!
I am a ordinary girl, well hell, sort of ;)! But is it rediculous for me to still believe that deep love and optimism can make a relationship last. I mean, if two people come together becuz they want to, becuz the idea of a life together feels sooo right, becuz they believe that their union is ONE of the things that could complete them....Is this such a rediculous notion? Hold on- cuz I am ALL FOR approaching a relationship seriously, making sacrifices, and promising that I will offer up my heart and soul to another. I am just afraid of not being able to understand, or cope with the REASONZ, or IDEA of the possibility of that "very thing" that I once thought would make me sooo happy, leaves me feeling, trapped, overwhelmed by the unspeakable feeling of disappointment! Been there, done that, no repeats please! aREN'T WE ALL AFRAID OF THIS??? I don't want to second guess myself, be left wondering "how sumthing could go stagnant and painful so quickly! However, I relate to the real world with real problems, real children, real financial demands, and REAL competion for affection-HELL-real stress! AND I do not need to remind us all, that research shows that over two-thirds of couples, married or otherwise, who may or may not, attend relationship counseling, are worse, or at least, no better after one freaken year OF MAKING SECULAR ATTEMPTS TO REPAIR! The divorce rate in America seems to refuse to drop below fifty percent (had one of those), and twenty percent of us will divorce, NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE in our LIFETIME! What the HELL! It is clear that pleasant and generic instructio on how to "communicate" better or theoretical musings that give me great "insight" about my relationships, JUST didn't cut it for me 15 years ago and won't cut it now!
Is it sooooooo impossible to know and impliment a solid, pratical way to reframe my life and my lifestyle in order to create a healthy relationship, rather than live in such a way as to maintain and support a bad one? I need a "clarion call"! An unapologetic command that allows me to strip away all of my defenses and fears, break through my clutter of my past, raise my standards of personal excellence, and stay diligently on course so that I may get what I want in my life. My mission is to peel away the layers of confusion and distorted thinking-"stinkin thinkin" that has dominated my relationships, peel away the false world I have constructed, put myself back in touch with my inner core of consciousness, and apply the answers that HAVE worked for me in the beginning, in the past. All A Girl Wants 2 do is love sumone and be loved back! AUGH! Just becuz I believe that a relationship is ONE of the things that completes me,,,,does not make me a idiot, and I am not some masochist who is looking for a relationship so that I can SUFFER! Nonethess, I know that no matter how much willpower I have to keep hanging in there, there is a line out there, if pushed across, I will say, "Thats enough, I wont take another minute." I know myself well enough to realize that if I cross that line, it will be the beginning of the end. I know my dignity and my heart can take only sooo much, and if it is violated one too many time, then I will finally dig my heels in and the deal will be over in a flash. YOUR line may still be looming way out there in YOUR future somewhere, or at this very moment you might be walking that line like a "Tightrope".
I am not inadequate or incompetent when it comes to a relationship. The brutal and sad fact is that the deck may have been stacked overwhelmingly against me! It is a wonder I have made it this far!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
GOODBYE LOVE LETTER?
It is sometimes quite unfortunate that what started as a blossoming relationship ends up drifting away over a period of time. Though you hope to get back together all the time, when you are convinced it is not going to happen anymore, you slowly realize you never could get to say a formal good-bye.
Dear (Jesse),
This is probably the toughest letter I am writing in my entire life. I would always remember your goodness, consideration, thoughtfulness and the respect you have shown me throughout our time together.
I think it is quite unfortunate that my feelings towards you have changed and the spark isn’t just there any more for continuing our relationship. My respect for you has not died and I would always be your well-wisher and a good friend. I do not think we are made to spend our life together.
I really wish you the very best in all your endeavors and I hope you would find a better person who could really match what you are looking for. It is tough for me to tell you this in person and hence, I thought I would express my sincere intentions in words.
Your friend and well-wisher
SIKE, JUST KIDDIN Jesse;) ANYWAYZ, I had a fabulous, relaxing day! Trista, Flowz and kidz, and friend Anthony stopped by, so we Bar-B-Que'd (Anthony had 2 start the grill, I wuz having a rough time with it 2day), we cooked and ate and then went 2 Madrona Beach 4 sum fun in the sun;) My Jesse stopped by, 4 a second-looking a little dismayed, but gorgeous as ever;) I have just finished my new price list fro my flyers-y'all know I am the "weave queen" ;) I am sleepy 2 nite, so am going 2 call it a goodnight:) I shall save my quick wit 4 you 2morrow;) SoRare, s8ing peace and love and ghetto hair clubs;)
Dear (Jesse),
This is probably the toughest letter I am writing in my entire life. I would always remember your goodness, consideration, thoughtfulness and the respect you have shown me throughout our time together.
I think it is quite unfortunate that my feelings towards you have changed and the spark isn’t just there any more for continuing our relationship. My respect for you has not died and I would always be your well-wisher and a good friend. I do not think we are made to spend our life together.
I really wish you the very best in all your endeavors and I hope you would find a better person who could really match what you are looking for. It is tough for me to tell you this in person and hence, I thought I would express my sincere intentions in words.
Your friend and well-wisher
SIKE, JUST KIDDIN Jesse;) ANYWAYZ, I had a fabulous, relaxing day! Trista, Flowz and kidz, and friend Anthony stopped by, so we Bar-B-Que'd (Anthony had 2 start the grill, I wuz having a rough time with it 2day), we cooked and ate and then went 2 Madrona Beach 4 sum fun in the sun;) My Jesse stopped by, 4 a second-looking a little dismayed, but gorgeous as ever;) I have just finished my new price list fro my flyers-y'all know I am the "weave queen" ;) I am sleepy 2 nite, so am going 2 call it a goodnight:) I shall save my quick wit 4 you 2morrow;) SoRare, s8ing peace and love and ghetto hair clubs;)
Monday, July 26, 2010
Nothing But Passion
You must understand, that when it comes 2 passion, You are incomparable. There is no one anywhere on the planet whose intensity can compare 2 the magnitude of you. Your passion is so overwhelming that the most moving saga or touching ballad does not portray it sufficiently. You are more rhythmic than poetry, more ardent than ballads of love. Your passion is bluer than the sea, brighter than the sun, and stronger than the wind that brushes through the trees. This passion has seldom been taught in "couples therapy," seldom understood, and sadly enough, seldom received. The astronaut, who has ascended beyond the gravitational pull of the earth, left behind our planet, traveled through our galaxy, and observed with close scrutiny the stars and planets from his lofty height, has not been able to go beyond the height of passion that I feel whenever I am near you. Suddenly, I recognize that your far more passionate than anything or anyone I have ever encountered. Even when you s8 goodbye 2 soon, you leave me with wondrous humility aspiring to know you again-next time, next visit. I endeavor to receive it, I strain to see it, I leap to reach it, though I understand before my futile attempt begins that at the apex of my endeavor I will fail to grasp the magnitude and the awesomeness of your passion.
Can You, Will You assume the task of untangling me from my past so that I could be complete in my future? This is the task that all wounded souls must assume. It is the task of moving beyond the tragedies of my life into the potentials of my future. I fell in love with you. We seem like an odd match, not equally yoked. We are not comparable people. We have not attended the same university, and do not share mutual friends, but if there is one thing I know, it is that sometimes passion, being in love, is not rational;) It is even ridiculous to those who watch from the sidelines. I am in love with you, and it numbs my senses to reason and intoxicates my consciousness of "public" opinion.
I come from sordid pasts and I tend to recoil when I am offered the unfamiliar kindness of passion, love and tranqullity. It is amazing that when I perceive my life to be bad, I have a tendency to feel uncomfortable with the adoration of that which seems good. I believe it is because I innately disagree with you who admire me! I do not want to cleave to the negative and oppose those wo see me positively. I do not want to continue in my tendency to find the great blessing of life to be a bit too unfamiliar for my taste. It is true when you imagine someone saying to me "4get her. Your'e better off anyway." But there is something about falling in love that will not 4get, can't 4get! I have let God stitch me back, mend me, restore me from divorce, failures, disappointment, and a few other esttem-demolishing issues, and have allowed time for reconstruction. I have not rushed through my healing process, so 2 not reopen the old wounds. I have been a construction site, so I have not swept up all the debris and clutter that has to be cleared away. But when all is said and done, I WILL ;).
I take the recommendation of my mother, who tells me that I need 2 4get those things that are in the past and reach to those things that are b4 me-she recommends that I run as fast as I can into my future and away from my adversity. To take the wings of the morning and sail toward my destiny. She has challeged me to embark upon new horizons and settle down into this season in my life. No more running back into my past, I am free, this time I must stand firm and unmoved, there iwll be no turnig back. I am free from my past, released from my failures, and challenged by my future. There are better dayz waiting on me. Since I have forgiven myself and accept my forgiveness, there is nothing about my yesturday that can circumvent my 2morrow. I will take life, take you, into my bosom and hold life and you in my arms. Reaching out and taking a second chance,that is mine 2day because of this shameless, passionate dance of ours that leaves me waiting 2 participate-again and again. I just have one question..."What do I do 4 you?" Pleading the "5th" is an insufficient response;0), why are you so afraid 2 express how you may or may not feel about me? Your reasons are valid, but irrelevant to the question, 4 the quesion is independent of any outside of me....4 I asked, "What do "I" do 4 you?"
Good nite, peace and love SoRare signing off.
P.S. My sweet little besty Tie may be pregnant:) Not 2 sound self obsorbed, but why she gotta be knocked up on my birthday (Halloween), guess "Rip" (her husband) can't stay out of her;) Don't you just love it?;)
Can You, Will You assume the task of untangling me from my past so that I could be complete in my future? This is the task that all wounded souls must assume. It is the task of moving beyond the tragedies of my life into the potentials of my future. I fell in love with you. We seem like an odd match, not equally yoked. We are not comparable people. We have not attended the same university, and do not share mutual friends, but if there is one thing I know, it is that sometimes passion, being in love, is not rational;) It is even ridiculous to those who watch from the sidelines. I am in love with you, and it numbs my senses to reason and intoxicates my consciousness of "public" opinion.
I come from sordid pasts and I tend to recoil when I am offered the unfamiliar kindness of passion, love and tranqullity. It is amazing that when I perceive my life to be bad, I have a tendency to feel uncomfortable with the adoration of that which seems good. I believe it is because I innately disagree with you who admire me! I do not want to cleave to the negative and oppose those wo see me positively. I do not want to continue in my tendency to find the great blessing of life to be a bit too unfamiliar for my taste. It is true when you imagine someone saying to me "4get her. Your'e better off anyway." But there is something about falling in love that will not 4get, can't 4get! I have let God stitch me back, mend me, restore me from divorce, failures, disappointment, and a few other esttem-demolishing issues, and have allowed time for reconstruction. I have not rushed through my healing process, so 2 not reopen the old wounds. I have been a construction site, so I have not swept up all the debris and clutter that has to be cleared away. But when all is said and done, I WILL ;).
I take the recommendation of my mother, who tells me that I need 2 4get those things that are in the past and reach to those things that are b4 me-she recommends that I run as fast as I can into my future and away from my adversity. To take the wings of the morning and sail toward my destiny. She has challeged me to embark upon new horizons and settle down into this season in my life. No more running back into my past, I am free, this time I must stand firm and unmoved, there iwll be no turnig back. I am free from my past, released from my failures, and challenged by my future. There are better dayz waiting on me. Since I have forgiven myself and accept my forgiveness, there is nothing about my yesturday that can circumvent my 2morrow. I will take life, take you, into my bosom and hold life and you in my arms. Reaching out and taking a second chance,that is mine 2day because of this shameless, passionate dance of ours that leaves me waiting 2 participate-again and again. I just have one question..."What do I do 4 you?" Pleading the "5th" is an insufficient response;0), why are you so afraid 2 express how you may or may not feel about me? Your reasons are valid, but irrelevant to the question, 4 the quesion is independent of any outside of me....4 I asked, "What do "I" do 4 you?"
Good nite, peace and love SoRare signing off.
P.S. My sweet little besty Tie may be pregnant:) Not 2 sound self obsorbed, but why she gotta be knocked up on my birthday (Halloween), guess "Rip" (her husband) can't stay out of her;) Don't you just love it?;)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A SoRare Love Affair?
Love-what a word! It is a small word possessing only 4 letters, but it is loaded 2 the brim with every imaginable feeling. The Greeks have many words to describe the multifaceted concept of love. They divide the agape kind of love from the philia kind of love. The agape describes the Divine, while the philia describes the brotherly affection between siblings and shared among humans. They use the word eros-from which we get the word erotic-2 describe the intimate love between lovers and mates. Love....what an intimidating feeling to describe accurately. It is limiting at best to be left with words alone to describe the abstract feeling of the heart, but 2 have only one word to describe all the types and levels of feelings, a word than means different things 2 different people-well, we all often fail to describe th variety or the intensity of the intoxicating impact of the love feeling. I know one thing 4 sure, that Love is to life what a scent is to a rose. It is the spice of life and it adorns life as clouds decorate the skies. I have tasted the nectar of romance, and whether love is communicated through a soft touch or a moistened eye, it is the message that I need. The method is immaterial in comparison to the magnitude of the message itself! There is no drug that can compare with the intense, passionate feelings that are aflame when the heart is in love. It is love that causes the senses to heighten. It is love that causes the heart to pump honey to the soul and sedation to the mind. Without love, life tastes bland and success is empty. Why is it that when people have been 2gether for quite some time, they negate the word love to describe their connection 2 another? They use other words to describe their commitment. Words like, "relatinship!"
If love is given to the worthy, it is reciprocated and fruitful. If it is invested on the empty opportunist, it can create a pain that nauseates the soul and afflicts the mind. Love can make an AVERAGE person seem extraordinary. It has the capabilities to alter my perceptions and heighten my vulnerability! I am aware that there are many types of love. But the one I want 2 begin with, is the tantalizing alllurement of the impassioned heart that enables me to love others. For the greatest of human perceptions is when the heart can look into the mirror and smile at the image that is reflected therein. Love is the grace that enables me to wink at myself and appreciate my own gifts. It is a healthy mind that can celebrate itself. Then and only then can I determine whether I am loving others becuz they are lovable or becuz I am so famished for love that I will settle for anyone or anything that gives to me what I should give to myself.
I light candles, take a bath, play songs, and meditate on my own accomplishement. I learned a long time ago, that it is a poor hen that will not crow in her own nest! It is my quiet bath moments that allow me to explore how deeply I am committed to my own sense of healthy well-being and fortitude;) Sadly, sometimes I place myself so far on the back burner that the dreams boil out and leave only a parched pot where once I had personal expectations! When I watch my dreams boil out, it seems that a scortching heat of stress and anxiety causes my kettle to give a shrill sound before the burning begins. This shrill sound can be heard in my excesses and overindulgences, which camouflage the fact that I am frustrated with dreams that are denied and hopes that seem deferred! As I validate the worth of others, I must also take the time to fondly affirm my own sense of personhood and self-development.
I often find myself motivated and moved by the spirited synergy that comes from the passion of my experiences and the fine nectar of my moments shared. The real challenge that I have is to find a place of balance between martydom and narcissism:) I find myself not wanting 2 be a martyr for just my own cause! If I become a martyr for just my own cause, my milk of compassion in me as a woman, will harden in my breast and cause my heart to ache. There is nothing wrong with my milk. It is just invested into someone that is not worthy and there is nothing worse than giving the right thing to the wrong person! Most of us are single-birth babies who spent itme alone from the womb to the crib. We played in the crib alone. We learned the fundamental skills of entertaining ourselves. Alone is where we start and essentially it is where we end. For even if we die in a crowdded room, ultimately we die alone. We take no more with us then what we brought. We are at best, empty-handed travelers, whose hands will clutch many things between birth to death.
There has been times that, even when I honored myself, there are still some lovers who did not find that an attractive feature. I heared statements like, "she thinks she is soooo much", or that girl is a trip" The truth of the matter is, YOU have seen the product and do not have the price that the ticket sayz must be paid! One thing I have learned, and it is this, sometimes rejection is a blessing and not a curse. I have found myself lying beside someone that nolonger represented where I am, but represents where I wuz b4 and they nolonger fit where I am and how I see myself now. I found that I wuz tied 2 someone who fit my dysfunction but not my function! Tragically, we grew apart rather than 2gether, I am not looking 4 this in YOU!
In short, my melody must be established before the harmony can be written. I must first establish my own identity (especially as a single woman). I need to establish some solidarity financially, mentally and spiritually. Then, when and if I add the harmonious thrust of my lovely counterpart, they will be enriched by my contribution and me by theirs. Wholeness is the goal, ultimately. But wholeness cannot be reached if I am not divorced form my past and prepared for my future! I have just recently adopted the three P's. They are prayer, praise and pampering. I pray for strength because I know that God gives might to those that have none. I praise God for my survival becuz I know that it is by His mercy that I am still here. I pamper for solace. It is through pampering myself that I find renewal and comfort against the tragedies of life. I am learning (all over agian) to pray about the things that would normally worry me. I refuse to spend the evening worrying about things over which I have no control. Instead, I lather up and relax in the tub, it is my pampering time!
I am sooo emotional now dayz, and even though I know where this is really coming from, I wish I could blame it on PMS! But that came and went a week ago...To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven (Eccles 3:1) I think it is my time to purge!!!! I have been ignoring this process since September of 2009! Rather deal with it now, then later, it is MY season ;) Goodnight, I have two FULL WEAVES 2 do 2morrow:)
P.S. It is funny how people assume that they know all about you-but they only vaguely, at best, know your past, and they cetainly have no idea of what you think about in regards 2 your future. I contemplate and meditate more than I vocalize....and this is s8ing alot, for I am a little talker-really-I just do not really share the deeper things, becuz others usually do not understand my "PROCESS." ;)
If love is given to the worthy, it is reciprocated and fruitful. If it is invested on the empty opportunist, it can create a pain that nauseates the soul and afflicts the mind. Love can make an AVERAGE person seem extraordinary. It has the capabilities to alter my perceptions and heighten my vulnerability! I am aware that there are many types of love. But the one I want 2 begin with, is the tantalizing alllurement of the impassioned heart that enables me to love others. For the greatest of human perceptions is when the heart can look into the mirror and smile at the image that is reflected therein. Love is the grace that enables me to wink at myself and appreciate my own gifts. It is a healthy mind that can celebrate itself. Then and only then can I determine whether I am loving others becuz they are lovable or becuz I am so famished for love that I will settle for anyone or anything that gives to me what I should give to myself.
I light candles, take a bath, play songs, and meditate on my own accomplishement. I learned a long time ago, that it is a poor hen that will not crow in her own nest! It is my quiet bath moments that allow me to explore how deeply I am committed to my own sense of healthy well-being and fortitude;) Sadly, sometimes I place myself so far on the back burner that the dreams boil out and leave only a parched pot where once I had personal expectations! When I watch my dreams boil out, it seems that a scortching heat of stress and anxiety causes my kettle to give a shrill sound before the burning begins. This shrill sound can be heard in my excesses and overindulgences, which camouflage the fact that I am frustrated with dreams that are denied and hopes that seem deferred! As I validate the worth of others, I must also take the time to fondly affirm my own sense of personhood and self-development.
I often find myself motivated and moved by the spirited synergy that comes from the passion of my experiences and the fine nectar of my moments shared. The real challenge that I have is to find a place of balance between martydom and narcissism:) I find myself not wanting 2 be a martyr for just my own cause! If I become a martyr for just my own cause, my milk of compassion in me as a woman, will harden in my breast and cause my heart to ache. There is nothing wrong with my milk. It is just invested into someone that is not worthy and there is nothing worse than giving the right thing to the wrong person! Most of us are single-birth babies who spent itme alone from the womb to the crib. We played in the crib alone. We learned the fundamental skills of entertaining ourselves. Alone is where we start and essentially it is where we end. For even if we die in a crowdded room, ultimately we die alone. We take no more with us then what we brought. We are at best, empty-handed travelers, whose hands will clutch many things between birth to death.
There has been times that, even when I honored myself, there are still some lovers who did not find that an attractive feature. I heared statements like, "she thinks she is soooo much", or that girl is a trip" The truth of the matter is, YOU have seen the product and do not have the price that the ticket sayz must be paid! One thing I have learned, and it is this, sometimes rejection is a blessing and not a curse. I have found myself lying beside someone that nolonger represented where I am, but represents where I wuz b4 and they nolonger fit where I am and how I see myself now. I found that I wuz tied 2 someone who fit my dysfunction but not my function! Tragically, we grew apart rather than 2gether, I am not looking 4 this in YOU!
In short, my melody must be established before the harmony can be written. I must first establish my own identity (especially as a single woman). I need to establish some solidarity financially, mentally and spiritually. Then, when and if I add the harmonious thrust of my lovely counterpart, they will be enriched by my contribution and me by theirs. Wholeness is the goal, ultimately. But wholeness cannot be reached if I am not divorced form my past and prepared for my future! I have just recently adopted the three P's. They are prayer, praise and pampering. I pray for strength because I know that God gives might to those that have none. I praise God for my survival becuz I know that it is by His mercy that I am still here. I pamper for solace. It is through pampering myself that I find renewal and comfort against the tragedies of life. I am learning (all over agian) to pray about the things that would normally worry me. I refuse to spend the evening worrying about things over which I have no control. Instead, I lather up and relax in the tub, it is my pampering time!
I am sooo emotional now dayz, and even though I know where this is really coming from, I wish I could blame it on PMS! But that came and went a week ago...To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven (Eccles 3:1) I think it is my time to purge!!!! I have been ignoring this process since September of 2009! Rather deal with it now, then later, it is MY season ;) Goodnight, I have two FULL WEAVES 2 do 2morrow:)
P.S. It is funny how people assume that they know all about you-but they only vaguely, at best, know your past, and they cetainly have no idea of what you think about in regards 2 your future. I contemplate and meditate more than I vocalize....and this is s8ing alot, for I am a little talker-really-I just do not really share the deeper things, becuz others usually do not understand my "PROCESS." ;)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Do A Lover Good??
Have you ever driven your car into an area that wuz unfamiliar? The drive seems long and tedious. Later, after you know your way around, it seems as if the trip is shorter and more comfortable. It is not that the road has changed, just my confidence about it. Suddenly I do not feel vulnerable because I know what to expect. When a mate changes, for whatever reason, the other person in the relationship feels vulnerable. A relationship is a partnership in which one person complements the other, one's strength compensates for the weakness in the other, and vice versa. Both realizing that it doesn't matter who has what individually; it is the sum of the parts that make for a strong relationship. I feel that real strength is proven in a relationship by their resilience and commitment to the other in time of great challenge. In short, even if you have more academic degrees than a thermometer (which I almost do;)), or more money than a bank vault, or are better looking than a Hawaiian sunset, if you lack the ability 2 be a partner in the storm, a soul mate in a time of desolation, then you are nothing at all-but sometimes, it is not the inability to be there 4 the other person during a storm, sometimes this inabiity is a sign that the relationship has tken its course-it just simply over.
It is the void in me that should motivate my mates strength. I am a doer (most dayz)! This girl is no dreamer; I am no idle threat. I deliver like a pizza shop; I am at the door, on the mark, and prepared for the need. It is no wonder 2 me that I cause smiles to break out whenever I come. I am passive, but aggressive. Not so passive that I am not able to take the initiative, yet I am not so aggressive that I leave a mate with no role 2 play;). I understand that I may be part of their destiny, a component of their chemistry, the missing link. Even though they have found me, they still may not realize that they have found bone of their bone and flesh of their flesh. I am their body. I am not competition, so they should not feel threatened by me. I want them 2 feel complete in me. This is the goal! I am three times a lady (most dayz): I am the mother you need, the friend you never had, and the lover you dream about. I am too giving to be self-centered. Bcuz I love like a princess, I have 2 make sure that I do not yoke up with anymore frogs! All frogs do not turn into a prince with a kiss! I honestly do not feel there is anything wrong with marriage, but it works only when we marry our own kind. Now you might s8 that soundz racist, or even discriminatory, but what I am speaking of has nothing to do with race, or gender. It has something 2 do with taste. The ethnicity may be different, or the gender, identical, but if the mentality is different, we could be in for real trouble. I feel that many people are unequally yoked. When Adam looked he could find no suitable help meet among all of the animals. That doesn't mean he couldn't find something that he could have forced. It just means that there was nothing there appropriate for him. I mean, there is more involved in selecting a mate than just finding someone who looks good or is simply willing. It is far deeper than that. Finding someone who has the same goals and lifestyle is crucial. It reminds me of the countless people who are waiting for a bone transplant. They desperately need to find someone who is suitable. Their problem isn't that no one cares or is willing to give it a try; it is just when the tests are done, they don't have a match! The body will not bond with what is unfamiliar, and neither will I, or should you. As a woman, I want someone who feels as if I have known them for years. I want someone who reflects my needs and mirrors my life goals. I want someone who is comfortable and complements who I am and what I like 2 do, these are definate qualities that need 2 be inherent in this person. In bed I am sensual; in prayer I am spiritual; in business I can be shrewd. I am resourceful, a vibrant woman with ingenuity and self-esteem. I feel that I am a prize. I am comfortable in my femininity; I am not ashamed of my fragility 4 I know that my silk covering is merely a mask for great inner stregth and determination. I am NOT a manipulator; I am too strong in my own right to need to live the desperate life of a deceitful woman. My only concern is finding the right person, the one I can assist in fullfilling their destiny.
I am a clinician of affection and a Florence Nightingale to the damaged soldier. A weary soldier never wants to come home 2 fight, 4 they fought their way 2 me already! What sailor would want to sail without a forecast of the pending changes in the weather? Yet most people sail the sea of life ignorant of any changes to their bodies, their needs, and attitudes. Sometimes a mate sails into the storm and s8 nothing at all. It is not always an attempt at deceit that holds their tongue. Many times it is their fear and stress. If tyou only knew that I would do you good. When you do decide 2 swallow your fear and risk your image to open up to me, when you tell me that you are in trouble, depressed, or feel a loss of purpose, virility, or excitement, when you tell me that the stress at work has robbed you of the pasion you once had, I will just listen.
"If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea...." (Ps 139:9) You may wonder what the psalm means by "wings of the morning." It refers to the wings of possibility. The wings of new beginnings and second chances. The fresh wings that spread in the rested heart of someone who has refresshed themselves in the night. Many fail to appreciate the manifold splendor of a new day. Morning is a victory to the one who travailed all night long. For the ailing, diseased patient, it is a triumph to see another day. To the aspiring business person, it is a fresh chance to achieve. To the artist, it is a chance to catch the winking sunrise that erupts accros the plains. The wings of the morning are to be taken. They are 2 be seized and enjoyed. Many have not flown bcuz they have not taken the wings of the morning. But they are spread before us all! I do not plan 2 miss another day. We alwayz have the option at the end of a perilous day to arise fresh and ascend into the future, spiraling in the wind and riding above the storm on the wings of the morning. I want 2 take the wings of the morning, resurrect our relatioship and heal myself. Take the wings and lift myself up to a place of excellence. With every sunrise, I want 2 better recognize that light of God shining down on me. Knowing that He has watched over me through the night. The morning is a time of healing. It is a new day, a second chance, a fresh start. SoRare s8ing, Peace and Love and have a fabulous day! Flowz is on her way-gotta go:)
It is the void in me that should motivate my mates strength. I am a doer (most dayz)! This girl is no dreamer; I am no idle threat. I deliver like a pizza shop; I am at the door, on the mark, and prepared for the need. It is no wonder 2 me that I cause smiles to break out whenever I come. I am passive, but aggressive. Not so passive that I am not able to take the initiative, yet I am not so aggressive that I leave a mate with no role 2 play;). I understand that I may be part of their destiny, a component of their chemistry, the missing link. Even though they have found me, they still may not realize that they have found bone of their bone and flesh of their flesh. I am their body. I am not competition, so they should not feel threatened by me. I want them 2 feel complete in me. This is the goal! I am three times a lady (most dayz): I am the mother you need, the friend you never had, and the lover you dream about. I am too giving to be self-centered. Bcuz I love like a princess, I have 2 make sure that I do not yoke up with anymore frogs! All frogs do not turn into a prince with a kiss! I honestly do not feel there is anything wrong with marriage, but it works only when we marry our own kind. Now you might s8 that soundz racist, or even discriminatory, but what I am speaking of has nothing to do with race, or gender. It has something 2 do with taste. The ethnicity may be different, or the gender, identical, but if the mentality is different, we could be in for real trouble. I feel that many people are unequally yoked. When Adam looked he could find no suitable help meet among all of the animals. That doesn't mean he couldn't find something that he could have forced. It just means that there was nothing there appropriate for him. I mean, there is more involved in selecting a mate than just finding someone who looks good or is simply willing. It is far deeper than that. Finding someone who has the same goals and lifestyle is crucial. It reminds me of the countless people who are waiting for a bone transplant. They desperately need to find someone who is suitable. Their problem isn't that no one cares or is willing to give it a try; it is just when the tests are done, they don't have a match! The body will not bond with what is unfamiliar, and neither will I, or should you. As a woman, I want someone who feels as if I have known them for years. I want someone who reflects my needs and mirrors my life goals. I want someone who is comfortable and complements who I am and what I like 2 do, these are definate qualities that need 2 be inherent in this person. In bed I am sensual; in prayer I am spiritual; in business I can be shrewd. I am resourceful, a vibrant woman with ingenuity and self-esteem. I feel that I am a prize. I am comfortable in my femininity; I am not ashamed of my fragility 4 I know that my silk covering is merely a mask for great inner stregth and determination. I am NOT a manipulator; I am too strong in my own right to need to live the desperate life of a deceitful woman. My only concern is finding the right person, the one I can assist in fullfilling their destiny.
I am a clinician of affection and a Florence Nightingale to the damaged soldier. A weary soldier never wants to come home 2 fight, 4 they fought their way 2 me already! What sailor would want to sail without a forecast of the pending changes in the weather? Yet most people sail the sea of life ignorant of any changes to their bodies, their needs, and attitudes. Sometimes a mate sails into the storm and s8 nothing at all. It is not always an attempt at deceit that holds their tongue. Many times it is their fear and stress. If tyou only knew that I would do you good. When you do decide 2 swallow your fear and risk your image to open up to me, when you tell me that you are in trouble, depressed, or feel a loss of purpose, virility, or excitement, when you tell me that the stress at work has robbed you of the pasion you once had, I will just listen.
"If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea...." (Ps 139:9) You may wonder what the psalm means by "wings of the morning." It refers to the wings of possibility. The wings of new beginnings and second chances. The fresh wings that spread in the rested heart of someone who has refresshed themselves in the night. Many fail to appreciate the manifold splendor of a new day. Morning is a victory to the one who travailed all night long. For the ailing, diseased patient, it is a triumph to see another day. To the aspiring business person, it is a fresh chance to achieve. To the artist, it is a chance to catch the winking sunrise that erupts accros the plains. The wings of the morning are to be taken. They are 2 be seized and enjoyed. Many have not flown bcuz they have not taken the wings of the morning. But they are spread before us all! I do not plan 2 miss another day. We alwayz have the option at the end of a perilous day to arise fresh and ascend into the future, spiraling in the wind and riding above the storm on the wings of the morning. I want 2 take the wings of the morning, resurrect our relatioship and heal myself. Take the wings and lift myself up to a place of excellence. With every sunrise, I want 2 better recognize that light of God shining down on me. Knowing that He has watched over me through the night. The morning is a time of healing. It is a new day, a second chance, a fresh start. SoRare s8ing, Peace and Love and have a fabulous day! Flowz is on her way-gotta go:)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Who Can Discern All Their Errors...
Well, today wuz a fabulous day;) MayMay went 2 camp and that gave me the entire day 2 reflect and make sum pretty concrete decisionz about what I want 2 be when I grow up! Talked 2 Flowz-I absolutely just love her....she does not even know what she gives me, and I would tell her, but I fear that I will sound weird-but seriously, I absolutely adore her and appreciate her friendship:) Jesse stopped by, unexpected, but delighted nonetheless;). This is the first time that I have been single in 19years. I have alwayz been in a relationship, or married-and 4 the 1st time in 19 yearz, I am single...I have been single since September of 2009 and I do not quite know what type of single person I want 2 be!? All I know is that, when it comes 2 sharing ourselves, it can be sooooo complicated at timez. Maybe it is becuz I know that Love spends its resources in caring. I mean, we enrich the one we love, but we do it by spending OURSELVES on them. Most are intimidated by the expense of an emotional commitment- I might just be intimidated a little right now-gun shy, even. But, Oh yes, I want the benefits of an emotional commitment, but I am AFRAID OF THE BILL! It is far easier for a person (or me) 2 give money, sometime my body, my advice, but when we are talking about giving my heart, then I am TERRIFIED. I began to ask myself questions like, "What will you do to me if I need you? If I allow myself to open up, what will come out of my heart?" We all wonder, especially me! And these questions and/or fears can suddenly, make even the most robust man, or confident woman begin to "TREMBLE" when they know that they have gone beyond wanting the other person, 2 actually needing them! Wanting someone is safe, but needing them is down right VULNERABLE! Anywayz, 2day, I am here home-alone. Not going 2 get 2 "preachy" (you've read my online journal- jsut go with me here for a minute!), but in Genesis 3:9-10 it reads "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said to him, where are you? And Adam said, I heard Your voice in the garden,AND I WAS AFRAID, because I was naked; and I HID MYSELF." If God Himself had to ask man, "Where are you?" then surely we can see that our whole society, from fatherless chiledren to husbandless wives/wifeless husbands, we are all echoing the same valid question-"Where are you?" We all know that we do not have to be single to be alone. We can be in a relationship and still be on our own. A person can lie in bed with you and still be hiding! They can provide for you financially and come home in the evening and flop down in a chair and still not be there. As a woman, I know instinctly, when I am truly left home alone. But even when we sense that our mate is not there, we often do not know where they are. The worst part is that, we may not know how 2 get our mate back! I honestly believe that love is not a monologue; it is a dialogue. It is a dialogue that occurs between 2 people who do not know what the other's response will be. It is kind of hard to prepare for a converstion when you cannot predict the responses of the other person. It is this unpredictability that causes many of us (well me) to feel uncomfortable and afraid. It is this uncertaintly that keeps me from saying too much, or getting 2 close. I mean, who knows how the other person will respond when I start asking 4 what I really need and want? I do not really know why I am talking about all of this, I just realize that I am having an extremely difficult time opening up 2 Jesse (could it be that they are in a relationship of 112 yearz-not married, but might as well be? WELL Yeah-Duh!). Anywayz, I asked Jesse 2 tell me sumthing that they have never told me b4-what they shared wuz a little tidbit I didn't know-and it is that their parents were married 4 26yrs! I didn't know that!...That explainz where some of their level of commitment comes from....AUGH!! I have got 2 get a grip, I really like Jesse-A LOT!, but I want something that is for me...I want my mate 2 be a reflection of how God must love me. And I do not think that God loves me Partially, or with partial commitment- OR WITH NO COMMITMENT and fidelity at all. Even God's Word is filled with His promises to us. AUGH-I want Jesse 2 myself, and I do not feel that is possible at this time. Even if Jesse were to leave their relationship, they would still need time 2 heal, if we were 2 really have a relationship that is healthy. Anywayz, this "wanting, but can't have completely" keeps me closed emotionally, ambiguous, obscure, and fearful-which besides being a little ambiguous, the other characteristics are not natural 2 me when I am exploring or entering into a new relationship with someone-I like total disclosure! But with Jesse I jsut feel apprehensive....(but wait, Jesse and I are not in a relationship, or are we?;/) What would our relationship even look like? Have we made 2many errors already? Will those errors affect the outcome? If I could descern all of my errors, would I attempt to correct them in hopes of securing a loving and commited relationship with Jesse? AUGH!!! Anywayz, Flowz wants me to go to Federal Way with her 2morrow 2 visit "ReeRee." I just met ReeRee and her son a few weeks back at Flowz daughters birthday party, she is really cool, great personality. She just moved into a new place and Flowz has a house warming gift (or 2) for her new place:) So 2 ReeRee's I will go 2morrow-just for a short spell, gotta thingz 2 do;) Well, goodnight,peace and love from SoRare In Seattle ;)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Funny Joke
O.K. I just learned this funny story, or joke rather....A woman, just wanting to get away for the weekend, drives up to her log cabin. But on the way-she heard on the radio that a man escaped from the local insane asylum and could be in the area. The woman doesn’t care and continues on her journey to her log cabin. And later that night, as she is trying to sleep, she starts to hear this dripping sound. She says to herself, “fu@#, what is that dripping sound”? So she calls her dog over, who comes and licks her hand, so she feels comforted and drifts off to sleep. Now the dripping sound starts again-and wakes the woman out of her sleep. She says to herself again, “fuck, there is that dripping sound again, what is that “? So she calls her dog over again, and the dog licks her hand, and once again the woman is comforted and drifts off back to sleep. In the morning, when it is all light in the cabin, she looks up and sees her dog hanging from the ceiling, and a huge puddle of blood on the floor underneath the dog. And she finds a letter and it reads’ “people can lick too!”
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Do You Come With A Warning Label?
I must admit that I come stamped with an invisible warning label, which reads, I like to commit, I want to get married again, and I have a long list of foul finishes...My grandfather use to always say...Just because a person stands in a garage-don’t make them a car!
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