O.K. been cr8zy busy l8tly ;) But still seem 2 have time 4 JeSsE ;), but I don’t know, bcuz the otherd8 Jesse called me an Enigma! Now I wuz aware of the definition meaning “mystery”, but U know me,,,,and I had 2 look it up! And yes, it meant “mystery,” but I also discovered that it also meant, “Enigma is Latin and from Greek Enigmat from ainissesthai, which mean to speak in riddles, also the word derives from ainos, which means fable.....Huh? ;/. Well, Webster didn’t stop there, it went on 2 offer other defining meanings;/ which were; 1. an obscure speech or writing; 2. something hard 2 understand or explain; 3. an Inscrutable (Not readily investigated, interpreted or understood:Mysterious ) or mysterious person....Hahahahaha, really? Really Jesse? An Enigma???? I guess I am taken back by their perception, but Wiki s8z, and I quote “An enigma is a type of riddle generally expressed in metaphorical or allegorical language that requires ingenuity and careful thinking for its solution. I guess you should get buzy on that SOLUTION!!! Edgar Allan Poe, put it this w8, "Seldom we find," says Solomon Don Dunce, "Half an idea in the profoundest sonnet.
Through all the flimsy things we see at once
As easily as through a Naples bonnet.
Trash of all trash! how can a lady don it?
Yet heavier far than your Petrarchan stuff-
Owl downy nonsense that the faintest puff
Twirls into trunk-paper the while you con it."
And, veritably, Sol is right enough.
The general tuckermanities are arrant
Bubbles- ephemeral and so transparent
But this is, now, you may depend upon it
Stable, opaque, immortal, all by dint
Of the dear names that he concealed within 't.
Our rel8tionship is an ENIGMA ;) Whats a girl 2 do when she is confronted with the reality of that there's never much2 say between the moments of our games and repartee. There's never much to read betweeen the lines of
what we need and what we'll take! There's never much 2 talk about or say aloud, but you should desire 2 say it anyway....But what about the business of holidays and yesterdays, and broken dreams, that somehow slipped away.......In books and magazines on how 2 be and what 2 see,,,,,messages received while I am being!!!! Before and after photographs teach how to pass from reaching 2 believing......We live beyond our means on other people's dreams,,,and that's succeeding;/ Between the lines of photographs I've SEEN THE PAST------IT ISN’T PLEASING!!!!! What the Hell,,,,,,,So strike another match.....We'll have another glass of wine, and dance until the evening's dead of too much song and time.......There's never much 2 speak about, or read between the lines of what we dream about, when we're apart qnd no one's looking on 2 say you're mine!!!!! It was a good year then, it was a good year then 19 years ago,,,,,,,I certainly remember!!!!!Remember the time, around “Flossy Glossy” that 1 time you threw the looking glass and seemed a fool, or very clever!!!! Don't spoil it all, I can't recall a time when you were struck without an answer......But we still could live a quiet peaceful time between the lines,,,and go together.... Soooooo I'm striking up the band 2 play our last hurrah and we can dance until we've killed another evening off.... Don't think of anyone but me and I promise, I'll have no lovers on the side....2nite is all we've ever dreamed about, so 4 once let's get it right!!!! I'll go down flying in the end, through another bottle in between the lines!!!!! I'll go down like a ship of state, so fucking PlEaSe,,,,let's be gracious now, Between The Lines.......Damnit J.I. Ur Just the gift that keeps on giving ;)........Flowz ain't soooo bad herself, although,.. she had another 1 of her dreamz, again ;),,,, whats up wit that;/???? Peace and Loooovvvvveeee...SoRare s8ng, Goodnite/Morning ;)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Fuck Loving You!
Somebody told me once that pain is a game we all gotta pay’ then why am I broke and working in sudden death every other day! I know before good can abide there a certain amount of pain I gotta pay, but I’ve paid till I’m poor and I still don’t know what it is to have a good day! Since everybody knows what it is I’m suppose to do, well do me a favor, won’t you worry about you and me worry about me.....I don’t need knowone to put me down and mope around, cuz I can’t get no lower,and I don’t need knowone to hang around and make me frown, it just makes me look older... I don’t need knowone to black my eyes and make me cry over nobody else..I can do bad all by myself!!!! Somebody told me once that running from the rain don’t make no sence, I have my own dark clouds for a whille now and it goes wherever I’m going...they telling me the grass is greener on the otherside, but I don’t wanna take a chance on sum dirt when I got grass, even though the grass has died...Since everybody knows what it is that I need 2 do, well do me a favor, let me worry about me and you worry about you.I can do bad, I can do bad, don’t waste your time feeling bad for me, I don’t need your sympathy, no, cuz Gods watching over me, so I guess this is where I’m suppose to be....And I dont need someone to tear me down and mope around cuz I cant get no lower, I dont need knowone to hang around and make me frown, just makes me older..And I dont need knowone to black my eyes and tell me lies, dont wanna cry over nobody else, cuz I can do bad all by myself!!!!!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
It's Over Now........
There are sum things that we face, you’ve come to people, and it seems like they just dont want 2 know...I understand it....I’ve been there....I am there....As a matter of fact, let me s8 it like this......I’ve hurt sooo many nights, I’ve cried sooo many hours , just trying 2 make it right. But just didn’t have the Power.....And you’ve ignored all my tears and it hurt me soooo bad....you wanted them 2 disappear. I tried 2 let it go but I guess, you don’t wanna know..?.. Listen up you, if I had a dime for everytime I tried 2 call your name, something tells me, that I would be wealthy...... But I’ve learned that I can cope, yes I did...Through my struggles I have discovered that I can make it in nights so long and cold, so freakn cold, you don’t know how cold, but I discovered I can take it!.....Now I wouldn’t change a thing, not for the knowledge that I’ve gained...I have also discovered in my trials, and I’ve learned that I can grow, and I really did...I tried to let it go-I DID. I tried to let it show, but I guess,,, you just don’t wanna know....You really don’t wanna know how many nights I’ve cried, you don’t know how many times I felt I would die, ,,,but I kept on moving, I kept on hoping, I kept on believing and now I can tell you that I’M OVER IT NOW, and I can’t EXPLAIN IT, but right now, I’m over it! This morning I just broke free, the chains they just fell off of me. People can talk about me, just as you please, but I’m all grown up now, and I’m over it now, finally got the victory over this foolishness, cuz I’m over it now..... I can’t s8 how, but I’m over it. Went to a meeting last week and my heart wasn’t right, but sumthing got a hold of me and I’m over it now!....Thanks KW, the BEST :)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
It's My Heart...I Can Give To Whom Ever I Wish....
Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right (Jerry Garcia). The Webster dictionary sayz that clarity is the state of seeing clearly. I usually achieve clarity in those moments of startling insight when I am able to shift my perspective by viewing a situation in a new light....I empathize Terry, but you still have no right to behave the way that you did the other day. I never lied to you regarding Jesse, and even though you have strong oppinions regarding my choices, it still does not give you the right to bereft me of peace and happiness in my own choices.....It is my heart....I can give it to whom ever I choose..."Just trying to be supportive"...Really????Well there are two ways of spreading light: to either be the candle or the mirror that reflects it! (Edith Wharton). Your neither my candle nor my mirror! FYI-Your delivery SUCKS! And I will not engage in the blame game.
Support is holding up from underneath. You support someone when you WILLINGLY step forward to strengthen, energize and help her through a difficult time....Every person creates his or her own reality. Authorship of my life is one of my absolute rights and I am not one of those people denying the fact that I have the ability to script the life I desire (if I can only convince the other participant to jump in-we would be well on our way). I am painfully aware of the fact that I have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout my lifetime. I take responsibility, which means I admit my accountabi8lity and acknowledge my influence and role in the circumstances in which I now find myself. Did I make the wrong choice? Only I can determine that! I am answerable for my own behavior and I fully accept any consequences created by my actions..Ur a lawyer, you should know all about this! Although I take responsibility, responsibility is not blame, and understnding the difference between the two is crucial to learning MY LESSONS!! I release All!!! I fully am aware that release is just the simple act of letting go. There are times, like right now, when I take full responsibility for the progression, or lack of progression of a relationship, and there are time, like now, when I need to just let go and walk away.....I need to release this situation in order to save my energy for more important battles.
I am learning the lesson of release as I begin to choose it as a conscious act rather than a passive means to hide from responsibility.....I AM SORRY....Never meant to hurt you by my choices that have proven to be unbeneficial to you or for you.....FYI..I have courage! I think it takes courage to embrace the idea that what I make of my life is up to me and to actually do what I need to do. I also believe that courage is learned in the moment that one takes a leap of faith and take action.
Sometimes my fear can be nameless, even though I am pretty sure I will not injure myself, and failure isn't a real concern. I suppose I am simply afraid in the way that humans often are when they stand poised to jump, metaphorically or literally into the unknown. But my fear, real or imagined, only impedes me at times.
I am aware that you think my decisions were based on fear of the unknown of us, but what you do not realize is that, it was not fear that supported my decision to release you, but courage!!
On another note,,I miss Jesse, even though I see them almost daily, sometimes I do not actually see them!!!!
Support is holding up from underneath. You support someone when you WILLINGLY step forward to strengthen, energize and help her through a difficult time....Every person creates his or her own reality. Authorship of my life is one of my absolute rights and I am not one of those people denying the fact that I have the ability to script the life I desire (if I can only convince the other participant to jump in-we would be well on our way). I am painfully aware of the fact that I have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout my lifetime. I take responsibility, which means I admit my accountabi8lity and acknowledge my influence and role in the circumstances in which I now find myself. Did I make the wrong choice? Only I can determine that! I am answerable for my own behavior and I fully accept any consequences created by my actions..Ur a lawyer, you should know all about this! Although I take responsibility, responsibility is not blame, and understnding the difference between the two is crucial to learning MY LESSONS!! I release All!!! I fully am aware that release is just the simple act of letting go. There are times, like right now, when I take full responsibility for the progression, or lack of progression of a relationship, and there are time, like now, when I need to just let go and walk away.....I need to release this situation in order to save my energy for more important battles.
I am learning the lesson of release as I begin to choose it as a conscious act rather than a passive means to hide from responsibility.....I AM SORRY....Never meant to hurt you by my choices that have proven to be unbeneficial to you or for you.....FYI..I have courage! I think it takes courage to embrace the idea that what I make of my life is up to me and to actually do what I need to do. I also believe that courage is learned in the moment that one takes a leap of faith and take action.
Sometimes my fear can be nameless, even though I am pretty sure I will not injure myself, and failure isn't a real concern. I suppose I am simply afraid in the way that humans often are when they stand poised to jump, metaphorically or literally into the unknown. But my fear, real or imagined, only impedes me at times.
I am aware that you think my decisions were based on fear of the unknown of us, but what you do not realize is that, it was not fear that supported my decision to release you, but courage!!
On another note,,I miss Jesse, even though I see them almost daily, sometimes I do not actually see them!!!!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Never Said I Can Handle Not Being With You:)
Question? How does a girl who falls, No actually, she jumps, eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole plummiting into chaos,,,comes out the other end unchanged? The ANSWER....SHE DOESN’T!!! U C I know, bcuz that girl.....IS ME! Since the beginning of summer, I have been ready 2 try, AGAIN.... A little bruised, a little humbled,,,and hopefully, a lkttle smarter! I believe we write our own stories, and each time we think we know the end....WE DON’T!!!! Perhaps luck exist somewhere between the world of chance and from the peace that cums from knowing that in the end, we just can’t know it ALL!!! Lifes funny that way and once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong!
O.K. I am going out 2nite 2 Bush Gardens, so I will make this quick....I have been thinking a great deal about U Know Who.....and.....I realize, I may need to build “my” lovers profile!! What I mean is, professional salespeople know that “learning the customer” is an essential first step toward closing the sale. Admittedly, the clerk at the local discount store may not need to do a lot of research on you in order to sell you a toothbrush or a pair of shoelaces. But the more coplex and ore iportant the transaction is, the more likely it is that the salesperson involved is going to do some serious digging. That’s because they know the more thoroghly they research the customer, the better the connection they’ll make with that customer, and the more liely that interaction will result in a sale. Take a real estate agent, for example. B4 she even walks you through that first house, she is going to get as much history from you as she can. She will find out how many kids you have, where you work, and how long you have been in the market for a home. If you’ve just got to have an extra bedroom for Fido, she will want to know plenty about what matters to you: what your priorities are, what bothers you about your current HOME, how you like to spend your free time. ALL transactions involve the development of relationships, and all relationshps involve transactions. The best relationships involve a thorough understanding of the other person so that the transactions can be MEANINGFUL. In business the currency is money. In intimate relationships the currency id defined by feelings and experiences. In the comemrce and flow of relationships, one rewards their partner not with money, but with feelings of love, acceptance, belonging, and security, visa versa. It is impossible to give you what you need if I don’t understand what you need! If I am the person hunting 4 the house in the scenerio I just described, then I submit that I would appreciate the extra effort that agent takes to get to know me. I would recognize that she is trying to identify my unique needs so that she can meet them by steering me toward what will come closest to fullfilling those needs. In the long run, the profile that she creates of me, her customer, serves my interests and hers.
So Question? How does a girl who falls, No actually, she jumps, eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole plummiting into chaos,,,comes out the other end unchanged? The ANSWER....SHE DOESN’T!!!
O.K. I am going out 2nite 2 Bush Gardens, so I will make this quick....I have been thinking a great deal about U Know Who.....and.....I realize, I may need to build “my” lovers profile!! What I mean is, professional salespeople know that “learning the customer” is an essential first step toward closing the sale. Admittedly, the clerk at the local discount store may not need to do a lot of research on you in order to sell you a toothbrush or a pair of shoelaces. But the more coplex and ore iportant the transaction is, the more likely it is that the salesperson involved is going to do some serious digging. That’s because they know the more thoroghly they research the customer, the better the connection they’ll make with that customer, and the more liely that interaction will result in a sale. Take a real estate agent, for example. B4 she even walks you through that first house, she is going to get as much history from you as she can. She will find out how many kids you have, where you work, and how long you have been in the market for a home. If you’ve just got to have an extra bedroom for Fido, she will want to know plenty about what matters to you: what your priorities are, what bothers you about your current HOME, how you like to spend your free time. ALL transactions involve the development of relationships, and all relationshps involve transactions. The best relationships involve a thorough understanding of the other person so that the transactions can be MEANINGFUL. In business the currency is money. In intimate relationships the currency id defined by feelings and experiences. In the comemrce and flow of relationships, one rewards their partner not with money, but with feelings of love, acceptance, belonging, and security, visa versa. It is impossible to give you what you need if I don’t understand what you need! If I am the person hunting 4 the house in the scenerio I just described, then I submit that I would appreciate the extra effort that agent takes to get to know me. I would recognize that she is trying to identify my unique needs so that she can meet them by steering me toward what will come closest to fullfilling those needs. In the long run, the profile that she creates of me, her customer, serves my interests and hers.
So Question? How does a girl who falls, No actually, she jumps, eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole plummiting into chaos,,,comes out the other end unchanged? The ANSWER....SHE DOESN’T!!!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Nothing But Error!
O.K. Have'nt been here in a while,I won't bore you with tooo much about my week, cuz got sum sh$i to talk about! Went to Bush Grrdens Wednesday, lots of people (Devone and Sonya were there:))and "wanna Be's" blah, blah blah, blah. However, my sister sang like an angel. For realz;) Shout out;0. Anywayz, I'v stayed away, bcuz I made the unforgettable error of letting JESSE, know my blog address! Hated IT! Soooooo not so pretty of an reaction, but we are gettin through it;), but still got 2 be true, even if I am unable to do this in other arenas ;) Jesse still won't devulge the answer to my question, which is, "What Do I Do 4 YOU?"! Whatever......Anywayz.
I am a ordinary girl, well hell, sort of ;)! But is it rediculous for me to still believe that deep love and optimism can make a relationship last. I mean, if two people come together becuz they want to, becuz the idea of a life together feels sooo right, becuz they believe that their union is ONE of the things that could complete them....Is this such a rediculous notion? Hold on- cuz I am ALL FOR approaching a relationship seriously, making sacrifices, and promising that I will offer up my heart and soul to another. I am just afraid of not being able to understand, or cope with the REASONZ, or IDEA of the possibility of that "very thing" that I once thought would make me sooo happy, leaves me feeling, trapped, overwhelmed by the unspeakable feeling of disappointment! Been there, done that, no repeats please! aREN'T WE ALL AFRAID OF THIS??? I don't want to second guess myself, be left wondering "how sumthing could go stagnant and painful so quickly! However, I relate to the real world with real problems, real children, real financial demands, and REAL competion for affection-HELL-real stress! AND I do not need to remind us all, that research shows that over two-thirds of couples, married or otherwise, who may or may not, attend relationship counseling, are worse, or at least, no better after one freaken year OF MAKING SECULAR ATTEMPTS TO REPAIR! The divorce rate in America seems to refuse to drop below fifty percent (had one of those), and twenty percent of us will divorce, NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE in our LIFETIME! What the HELL! It is clear that pleasant and generic instructio on how to "communicate" better or theoretical musings that give me great "insight" about my relationships, JUST didn't cut it for me 15 years ago and won't cut it now!
Is it sooooooo impossible to know and impliment a solid, pratical way to reframe my life and my lifestyle in order to create a healthy relationship, rather than live in such a way as to maintain and support a bad one? I need a "clarion call"! An unapologetic command that allows me to strip away all of my defenses and fears, break through my clutter of my past, raise my standards of personal excellence, and stay diligently on course so that I may get what I want in my life. My mission is to peel away the layers of confusion and distorted thinking-"stinkin thinkin" that has dominated my relationships, peel away the false world I have constructed, put myself back in touch with my inner core of consciousness, and apply the answers that HAVE worked for me in the beginning, in the past. All A Girl Wants 2 do is love sumone and be loved back! AUGH! Just becuz I believe that a relationship is ONE of the things that completes me,,,,does not make me a idiot, and I am not some masochist who is looking for a relationship so that I can SUFFER! Nonethess, I know that no matter how much willpower I have to keep hanging in there, there is a line out there, if pushed across, I will say, "Thats enough, I wont take another minute." I know myself well enough to realize that if I cross that line, it will be the beginning of the end. I know my dignity and my heart can take only sooo much, and if it is violated one too many time, then I will finally dig my heels in and the deal will be over in a flash. YOUR line may still be looming way out there in YOUR future somewhere, or at this very moment you might be walking that line like a "Tightrope".
I am not inadequate or incompetent when it comes to a relationship. The brutal and sad fact is that the deck may have been stacked overwhelmingly against me! It is a wonder I have made it this far!
I am a ordinary girl, well hell, sort of ;)! But is it rediculous for me to still believe that deep love and optimism can make a relationship last. I mean, if two people come together becuz they want to, becuz the idea of a life together feels sooo right, becuz they believe that their union is ONE of the things that could complete them....Is this such a rediculous notion? Hold on- cuz I am ALL FOR approaching a relationship seriously, making sacrifices, and promising that I will offer up my heart and soul to another. I am just afraid of not being able to understand, or cope with the REASONZ, or IDEA of the possibility of that "very thing" that I once thought would make me sooo happy, leaves me feeling, trapped, overwhelmed by the unspeakable feeling of disappointment! Been there, done that, no repeats please! aREN'T WE ALL AFRAID OF THIS??? I don't want to second guess myself, be left wondering "how sumthing could go stagnant and painful so quickly! However, I relate to the real world with real problems, real children, real financial demands, and REAL competion for affection-HELL-real stress! AND I do not need to remind us all, that research shows that over two-thirds of couples, married or otherwise, who may or may not, attend relationship counseling, are worse, or at least, no better after one freaken year OF MAKING SECULAR ATTEMPTS TO REPAIR! The divorce rate in America seems to refuse to drop below fifty percent (had one of those), and twenty percent of us will divorce, NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE in our LIFETIME! What the HELL! It is clear that pleasant and generic instructio on how to "communicate" better or theoretical musings that give me great "insight" about my relationships, JUST didn't cut it for me 15 years ago and won't cut it now!
Is it sooooooo impossible to know and impliment a solid, pratical way to reframe my life and my lifestyle in order to create a healthy relationship, rather than live in such a way as to maintain and support a bad one? I need a "clarion call"! An unapologetic command that allows me to strip away all of my defenses and fears, break through my clutter of my past, raise my standards of personal excellence, and stay diligently on course so that I may get what I want in my life. My mission is to peel away the layers of confusion and distorted thinking-"stinkin thinkin" that has dominated my relationships, peel away the false world I have constructed, put myself back in touch with my inner core of consciousness, and apply the answers that HAVE worked for me in the beginning, in the past. All A Girl Wants 2 do is love sumone and be loved back! AUGH! Just becuz I believe that a relationship is ONE of the things that completes me,,,,does not make me a idiot, and I am not some masochist who is looking for a relationship so that I can SUFFER! Nonethess, I know that no matter how much willpower I have to keep hanging in there, there is a line out there, if pushed across, I will say, "Thats enough, I wont take another minute." I know myself well enough to realize that if I cross that line, it will be the beginning of the end. I know my dignity and my heart can take only sooo much, and if it is violated one too many time, then I will finally dig my heels in and the deal will be over in a flash. YOUR line may still be looming way out there in YOUR future somewhere, or at this very moment you might be walking that line like a "Tightrope".
I am not inadequate or incompetent when it comes to a relationship. The brutal and sad fact is that the deck may have been stacked overwhelmingly against me! It is a wonder I have made it this far!
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