Nothing But Error!

O.K. Have'nt been here in a while,I won't bore you with tooo much about my week, cuz got sum sh$i to talk about! Went to Bush Grrdens Wednesday, lots of people (Devone and Sonya were there:))and "wanna Be's" blah, blah blah, blah. However, my sister sang like an angel. For realz;) Shout out;0. Anywayz, I'v stayed away, bcuz I made the unforgettable error of letting JESSE, know my blog address! Hated IT! Soooooo not so pretty of an reaction, but we are gettin through it;), but still got 2 be true, even if I am unable to do this in other arenas ;) Jesse still won't devulge the answer to my question, which is, "What Do I Do 4 YOU?"! Whatever......Anywayz.

I am a ordinary girl, well hell, sort of ;)! But is it rediculous for me to still believe that deep love and optimism can make a relationship last. I mean, if two people come together becuz they want to, becuz the idea of a life together feels sooo right, becuz they believe that their union is ONE of the things that could complete them....Is this such a rediculous notion? Hold on- cuz I am ALL FOR approaching a relationship seriously, making sacrifices, and promising that I will offer up my heart and soul to another. I am just afraid of not being able to understand, or cope with the REASONZ, or IDEA of the possibility of that "very thing" that I once thought would make me sooo happy, leaves me feeling, trapped, overwhelmed by the unspeakable feeling of disappointment! Been there, done that, no repeats please! aREN'T WE ALL AFRAID OF THIS??? I don't want to second guess myself, be left wondering "how sumthing could go stagnant and painful so quickly! However, I relate to the real world with real problems, real children, real financial demands, and REAL competion for affection-HELL-real stress! AND I do not need to remind us all, that research shows that over two-thirds of couples, married or otherwise, who may or may not, attend relationship counseling, are worse, or at least, no better after one freaken year OF MAKING SECULAR ATTEMPTS TO REPAIR! The divorce rate in America seems to refuse to drop below fifty percent (had one of those), and twenty percent of us will divorce, NOT ONCE, BUT TWICE in our LIFETIME! What the HELL! It is clear that pleasant and generic instructio on how to "communicate" better or theoretical musings that give me great "insight" about my relationships, JUST didn't cut it for me 15 years ago and won't cut it now!

Is it sooooooo impossible to know and impliment a solid, pratical way to reframe my life and my lifestyle in order to create a healthy relationship, rather than live in such a way as to maintain and support a bad one? I need a "clarion call"! An unapologetic command that allows me to strip away all of my defenses and fears, break through my clutter of my past, raise my standards of personal excellence, and stay diligently on course so that I may get what I want in my life. My mission is to peel away the layers of confusion and distorted thinking-"stinkin thinkin" that has dominated my relationships, peel away the false world I have constructed, put myself back in touch with my inner core of consciousness, and apply the answers that HAVE worked for me in the beginning, in the past. All A Girl Wants 2 do is love sumone and be loved back! AUGH! Just becuz I believe that a relationship is ONE of the things that completes me,,,,does not make me a idiot, and I am not some masochist who is looking for a relationship so that I can SUFFER! Nonethess, I know that no matter how much willpower I have to keep hanging in there, there is a line out there, if pushed across, I will say, "Thats enough, I wont take another minute." I know myself well enough to realize that if I cross that line, it will be the beginning of the end. I know my dignity and my heart can take only sooo much, and if it is violated one too many time, then I will finally dig my heels in and the deal will be over in a flash. YOUR line may still be looming way out there in YOUR future somewhere, or at this very moment you might be walking that line like a "Tightrope".

I am not inadequate or incompetent when it comes to a relationship. The brutal and sad fact is that the deck may have been stacked overwhelmingly against me! It is a wonder I have made it this far!