GOODBYE LOVE LETTER?

It is sometimes quite unfortunate that what started as a blossoming relationship ends up drifting away over a period of time. Though you hope to get back together all the time, when you are convinced it is not going to happen anymore, you slowly realize you never could get to say a formal good-bye.

Dear (Jesse),

This is probably the toughest letter I am writing in my entire life. I would always remember your goodness, consideration, thoughtfulness and the respect you have shown me throughout our time together.

I think it is quite unfortunate that my feelings towards you have changed and the spark isn’t just there any more for continuing our relationship. My respect for you has not died and I would always be your well-wisher and a good friend. I do not think we are made to spend our life together.

I really wish you the very best in all your endeavors and I hope you would find a better person who could really match what you are looking for. It is tough for me to tell you this in person and hence, I thought I would express my sincere intentions in words.

Your friend and well-wisher

SIKE, JUST KIDDIN Jesse;) ANYWAYZ, I had a fabulous, relaxing day! Trista, Flowz and kidz, and friend Anthony stopped by, so we Bar-B-Que'd (Anthony had 2 start the grill, I wuz having a rough time with it 2day), we cooked and ate and then went 2 Madrona Beach 4 sum fun in the sun;) My Jesse stopped by, 4 a second-looking a little dismayed, but gorgeous as ever;) I have just finished my new price list fro my flyers-y'all know I am the "weave queen" ;) I am sleepy 2 nite, so am going 2 call it a goodnight:) I shall save my quick wit 4 you 2morrow;) SoRare, s8ing peace and love and ghetto hair clubs;)

Nothing But Passion

You must understand, that when it comes 2 passion, You are incomparable. There is no one anywhere on the planet whose intensity can compare 2 the magnitude of you. Your passion is so overwhelming that the most moving saga or touching ballad does not portray it sufficiently. You are more rhythmic than poetry, more ardent than ballads of love. Your passion is bluer than the sea, brighter than the sun, and stronger than the wind that brushes through the trees. This passion has seldom been taught in "couples therapy," seldom understood, and sadly enough, seldom received. The astronaut, who has ascended beyond the gravitational pull of the earth, left behind our planet, traveled through our galaxy, and observed with close scrutiny the stars and planets from his lofty height, has not been able to go beyond the height of passion that I feel whenever I am near you. Suddenly, I recognize that your far more passionate than anything or anyone I have ever encountered. Even when you s8 goodbye 2 soon, you leave me with wondrous humility aspiring to know you again-next time, next visit. I endeavor to receive it, I strain to see it, I leap to reach it, though I understand before my futile attempt begins that at the apex of my endeavor I will fail to grasp the magnitude and the awesomeness of your passion.

Can You, Will You assume the task of untangling me from my past so that I could be complete in my future? This is the task that all wounded souls must assume. It is the task of moving beyond the tragedies of my life into the potentials of my future. I fell in love with you. We seem like an odd match, not equally yoked. We are not comparable people. We have not attended the same university, and do not share mutual friends, but if there is one thing I know, it is that sometimes passion, being in love, is not rational;) It is even ridiculous to those who watch from the sidelines. I am in love with you, and it numbs my senses to reason and intoxicates my consciousness of "public" opinion.

I come from sordid pasts and I tend to recoil when I am offered the unfamiliar kindness of passion, love and tranqullity. It is amazing that when I perceive my life to be bad, I have a tendency to feel uncomfortable with the adoration of that which seems good. I believe it is because I innately disagree with you who admire me! I do not want to cleave to the negative and oppose those wo see me positively. I do not want to continue in my tendency to find the great blessing of life to be a bit too unfamiliar for my taste. It is true when you imagine someone saying to me "4get her. Your'e better off anyway." But there is something about falling in love that will not 4get, can't 4get! I have let God stitch me back, mend me, restore me from divorce, failures, disappointment, and a few other esttem-demolishing issues, and have allowed time for reconstruction. I have not rushed through my healing process, so 2 not reopen the old wounds. I have been a construction site, so I have not swept up all the debris and clutter that has to be cleared away. But when all is said and done, I WILL ;).

I take the recommendation of my mother, who tells me that I need 2 4get those things that are in the past and reach to those things that are b4 me-she recommends that I run as fast as I can into my future and away from my adversity. To take the wings of the morning and sail toward my destiny. She has challeged me to embark upon new horizons and settle down into this season in my life. No more running back into my past, I am free, this time I must stand firm and unmoved, there iwll be no turnig back. I am free from my past, released from my failures, and challenged by my future. There are better dayz waiting on me. Since I have forgiven myself and accept my forgiveness, there is nothing about my yesturday that can circumvent my 2morrow. I will take life, take you, into my bosom and hold life and you in my arms. Reaching out and taking a second chance,that is mine 2day because of this shameless, passionate dance of ours that leaves me waiting 2 participate-again and again. I just have one question..."What do I do 4 you?" Pleading the "5th" is an insufficient response;0), why are you so afraid 2 express how you may or may not feel about me? Your reasons are valid, but irrelevant to the question, 4 the quesion is independent of any outside of me....4 I asked, "What do "I" do 4 you?"

Good nite, peace and love SoRare signing off.

P.S. My sweet little besty Tie may be pregnant:) Not 2 sound self obsorbed, but why she gotta be knocked up on my birthday (Halloween), guess "Rip" (her husband) can't stay out of her;) Don't you just love it?;)

A SoRare Love Affair?

Love-what a word! It is a small word possessing only 4 letters, but it is loaded 2 the brim with every imaginable feeling. The Greeks have many words to describe the multifaceted concept of love. They divide the agape kind of love from the philia kind of love. The agape describes the Divine, while the philia describes the brotherly affection between siblings and shared among humans. They use the word eros-from which we get the word erotic-2 describe the intimate love between lovers and mates. Love....what an intimidating feeling to describe accurately. It is limiting at best to be left with words alone to describe the abstract feeling of the heart, but 2 have only one word to describe all the types and levels of feelings, a word than means different things 2 different people-well, we all often fail to describe th variety or the intensity of the intoxicating impact of the love feeling. I know one thing 4 sure, that Love is to life what a scent is to a rose. It is the spice of life and it adorns life as clouds decorate the skies. I have tasted the nectar of romance, and whether love is communicated through a soft touch or a moistened eye, it is the message that I need. The method is immaterial in comparison to the magnitude of the message itself! There is no drug that can compare with the intense, passionate feelings that are aflame when the heart is in love. It is love that causes the senses to heighten. It is love that causes the heart to pump honey to the soul and sedation to the mind. Without love, life tastes bland and success is empty. Why is it that when people have been 2gether for quite some time, they negate the word love to describe their connection 2 another? They use other words to describe their commitment. Words like, "relatinship!"

If love is given to the worthy, it is reciprocated and fruitful. If it is invested on the empty opportunist, it can create a pain that nauseates the soul and afflicts the mind. Love can make an AVERAGE person seem extraordinary. It has the capabilities to alter my perceptions and heighten my vulnerability! I am aware that there are many types of love. But the one I want 2 begin with, is the tantalizing alllurement of the impassioned heart that enables me to love others. For the greatest of human perceptions is when the heart can look into the mirror and smile at the image that is reflected therein. Love is the grace that enables me to wink at myself and appreciate my own gifts. It is a healthy mind that can celebrate itself. Then and only then can I determine whether I am loving others becuz they are lovable or becuz I am so famished for love that I will settle for anyone or anything that gives to me what I should give to myself.

I light candles, take a bath, play songs, and meditate on my own accomplishement. I learned a long time ago, that it is a poor hen that will not crow in her own nest! It is my quiet bath moments that allow me to explore how deeply I am committed to my own sense of healthy well-being and fortitude;) Sadly, sometimes I place myself so far on the back burner that the dreams boil out and leave only a parched pot where once I had personal expectations! When I watch my dreams boil out, it seems that a scortching heat of stress and anxiety causes my kettle to give a shrill sound before the burning begins. This shrill sound can be heard in my excesses and overindulgences, which camouflage the fact that I am frustrated with dreams that are denied and hopes that seem deferred! As I validate the worth of others, I must also take the time to fondly affirm my own sense of personhood and self-development.

I often find myself motivated and moved by the spirited synergy that comes from the passion of my experiences and the fine nectar of my moments shared. The real challenge that I have is to find a place of balance between martydom and narcissism:) I find myself not wanting 2 be a martyr for just my own cause! If I become a martyr for just my own cause, my milk of compassion in me as a woman, will harden in my breast and cause my heart to ache. There is nothing wrong with my milk. It is just invested into someone that is not worthy and there is nothing worse than giving the right thing to the wrong person! Most of us are single-birth babies who spent itme alone from the womb to the crib. We played in the crib alone. We learned the fundamental skills of entertaining ourselves. Alone is where we start and essentially it is where we end. For even if we die in a crowdded room, ultimately we die alone. We take no more with us then what we brought. We are at best, empty-handed travelers, whose hands will clutch many things between birth to death.

There has been times that, even when I honored myself, there are still some lovers who did not find that an attractive feature. I heared statements like, "she thinks she is soooo much", or that girl is a trip" The truth of the matter is, YOU have seen the product and do not have the price that the ticket sayz must be paid! One thing I have learned, and it is this, sometimes rejection is a blessing and not a curse. I have found myself lying beside someone that nolonger represented where I am, but represents where I wuz b4 and they nolonger fit where I am and how I see myself now. I found that I wuz tied 2 someone who fit my dysfunction but not my function! Tragically, we grew apart rather than 2gether, I am not looking 4 this in YOU!

In short, my melody must be established before the harmony can be written. I must first establish my own identity (especially as a single woman). I need to establish some solidarity financially, mentally and spiritually. Then, when and if I add the harmonious thrust of my lovely counterpart, they will be enriched by my contribution and me by theirs. Wholeness is the goal, ultimately. But wholeness cannot be reached if I am not divorced form my past and prepared for my future! I have just recently adopted the three P's. They are prayer, praise and pampering. I pray for strength because I know that God gives might to those that have none. I praise God for my survival becuz I know that it is by His mercy that I am still here. I pamper for solace. It is through pampering myself that I find renewal and comfort against the tragedies of life. I am learning (all over agian) to pray about the things that would normally worry me. I refuse to spend the evening worrying about things over which I have no control. Instead, I lather up and relax in the tub, it is my pampering time!

I am sooo emotional now dayz, and even though I know where this is really coming from, I wish I could blame it on PMS! But that came and went a week ago...To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven (Eccles 3:1) I think it is my time to purge!!!! I have been ignoring this process since September of 2009! Rather deal with it now, then later, it is MY season ;) Goodnight, I have two FULL WEAVES 2 do 2morrow:)

P.S. It is funny how people assume that they know all about you-but they only vaguely, at best, know your past, and they cetainly have no idea of what you think about in regards 2 your future. I contemplate and meditate more than I vocalize....and this is s8ing alot, for I am a little talker-really-I just do not really share the deeper things, becuz others usually do not understand my "PROCESS." ;)

Do A Lover Good??

Have you ever driven your car into an area that wuz unfamiliar? The drive seems long and tedious. Later, after you know your way around, it seems as if the trip is shorter and more comfortable. It is not that the road has changed, just my confidence about it. Suddenly I do not feel vulnerable because I know what to expect. When a mate changes, for whatever reason, the other person in the relationship feels vulnerable. A relationship is a partnership in which one person complements the other, one's strength compensates for the weakness in the other, and vice versa. Both realizing that it doesn't matter who has what individually; it is the sum of the parts that make for a strong relationship. I feel that real strength is proven in a relationship by their resilience and commitment to the other in time of great challenge. In short, even if you have more academic degrees than a thermometer (which I almost do;)), or more money than a bank vault, or are better looking than a Hawaiian sunset, if you lack the ability 2 be a partner in the storm, a soul mate in a time of desolation, then you are nothing at all-but sometimes, it is not the inability to be there 4 the other person during a storm, sometimes this inabiity is a sign that the relationship has tken its course-it just simply over.

It is the void in me that should motivate my mates strength. I am a doer (most dayz)! This girl is no dreamer; I am no idle threat. I deliver like a pizza shop; I am at the door, on the mark, and prepared for the need. It is no wonder 2 me that I cause smiles to break out whenever I come. I am passive, but aggressive. Not so passive that I am not able to take the initiative, yet I am not so aggressive that I leave a mate with no role 2 play;). I understand that I may be part of their destiny, a component of their chemistry, the missing link. Even though they have found me, they still may not realize that they have found bone of their bone and flesh of their flesh. I am their body. I am not competition, so they should not feel threatened by me. I want them 2 feel complete in me. This is the goal! I am three times a lady (most dayz): I am the mother you need, the friend you never had, and the lover you dream about. I am too giving to be self-centered. Bcuz I love like a princess, I have 2 make sure that I do not yoke up with anymore frogs! All frogs do not turn into a prince with a kiss! I honestly do not feel there is anything wrong with marriage, but it works only when we marry our own kind. Now you might s8 that soundz racist, or even discriminatory, but what I am speaking of has nothing to do with race, or gender. It has something 2 do with taste. The ethnicity may be different, or the gender, identical, but if the mentality is different, we could be in for real trouble. I feel that many people are unequally yoked. When Adam looked he could find no suitable help meet among all of the animals. That doesn't mean he couldn't find something that he could have forced. It just means that there was nothing there appropriate for him. I mean, there is more involved in selecting a mate than just finding someone who looks good or is simply willing. It is far deeper than that. Finding someone who has the same goals and lifestyle is crucial. It reminds me of the countless people who are waiting for a bone transplant. They desperately need to find someone who is suitable. Their problem isn't that no one cares or is willing to give it a try; it is just when the tests are done, they don't have a match! The body will not bond with what is unfamiliar, and neither will I, or should you. As a woman, I want someone who feels as if I have known them for years. I want someone who reflects my needs and mirrors my life goals. I want someone who is comfortable and complements who I am and what I like 2 do, these are definate qualities that need 2 be inherent in this person. In bed I am sensual; in prayer I am spiritual; in business I can be shrewd. I am resourceful, a vibrant woman with ingenuity and self-esteem. I feel that I am a prize. I am comfortable in my femininity; I am not ashamed of my fragility 4 I know that my silk covering is merely a mask for great inner stregth and determination. I am NOT a manipulator; I am too strong in my own right to need to live the desperate life of a deceitful woman. My only concern is finding the right person, the one I can assist in fullfilling their destiny.

I am a clinician of affection and a Florence Nightingale to the damaged soldier. A weary soldier never wants to come home 2 fight, 4 they fought their way 2 me already! What sailor would want to sail without a forecast of the pending changes in the weather? Yet most people sail the sea of life ignorant of any changes to their bodies, their needs, and attitudes. Sometimes a mate sails into the storm and s8 nothing at all. It is not always an attempt at deceit that holds their tongue. Many times it is their fear and stress. If tyou only knew that I would do you good. When you do decide 2 swallow your fear and risk your image to open up to me, when you tell me that you are in trouble, depressed, or feel a loss of purpose, virility, or excitement, when you tell me that the stress at work has robbed you of the pasion you once had, I will just listen.

"If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea...." (Ps 139:9) You may wonder what the psalm means by "wings of the morning." It refers to the wings of possibility. The wings of new beginnings and second chances. The fresh wings that spread in the rested heart of someone who has refresshed themselves in the night. Many fail to appreciate the manifold splendor of a new day. Morning is a victory to the one who travailed all night long. For the ailing, diseased patient, it is a triumph to see another day. To the aspiring business person, it is a fresh chance to achieve. To the artist, it is a chance to catch the winking sunrise that erupts accros the plains. The wings of the morning are to be taken. They are 2 be seized and enjoyed. Many have not flown bcuz they have not taken the wings of the morning. But they are spread before us all! I do not plan 2 miss another day. We alwayz have the option at the end of a perilous day to arise fresh and ascend into the future, spiraling in the wind and riding above the storm on the wings of the morning. I want 2 take the wings of the morning, resurrect our relatioship and heal myself. Take the wings and lift myself up to a place of excellence. With every sunrise, I want 2 better recognize that light of God shining down on me. Knowing that He has watched over me through the night. The morning is a time of healing. It is a new day, a second chance, a fresh start. SoRare s8ing, Peace and Love and have a fabulous day! Flowz is on her way-gotta go:)

Who Can Discern All Their Errors...

Well, today wuz a fabulous day;) MayMay went 2 camp and that gave me the entire day 2 reflect and make sum pretty concrete decisionz about what I want 2 be when I grow up! Talked 2 Flowz-I absolutely just love her....she does not even know what she gives me, and I would tell her, but I fear that I will sound weird-but seriously, I absolutely adore her and appreciate her friendship:) Jesse stopped by, unexpected, but delighted nonetheless;). This is the first time that I have been single in 19years. I have alwayz been in a relationship, or married-and 4 the 1st time in 19 yearz, I am single...I have been single since September of 2009 and I do not quite know what type of single person I want 2 be!? All I know is that, when it comes 2 sharing ourselves, it can be sooooo complicated at timez. Maybe it is becuz I know that Love spends its resources in caring. I mean, we enrich the one we love, but we do it by spending OURSELVES on them. Most are intimidated by the expense of an emotional commitment- I might just be intimidated a little right now-gun shy, even. But, Oh yes, I want the benefits of an emotional commitment, but I am AFRAID OF THE BILL! It is far easier for a person (or me) 2 give money, sometime my body, my advice, but when we are talking about giving my heart, then I am TERRIFIED. I began to ask myself questions like, "What will you do to me if I need you? If I allow myself to open up, what will come out of my heart?" We all wonder, especially me! And these questions and/or fears can suddenly, make even the most robust man, or confident woman begin to "TREMBLE" when they know that they have gone beyond wanting the other person, 2 actually needing them! Wanting someone is safe, but needing them is down right VULNERABLE! Anywayz, 2day, I am here home-alone. Not going 2 get 2 "preachy" (you've read my online journal- jsut go with me here for a minute!), but in Genesis 3:9-10 it reads "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said to him, where are you? And Adam said, I heard Your voice in the garden,AND I WAS AFRAID, because I was naked; and I HID MYSELF." If God Himself had to ask man, "Where are you?" then surely we can see that our whole society, from fatherless chiledren to husbandless wives/wifeless husbands, we are all echoing the same valid question-"Where are you?" We all know that we do not have to be single to be alone. We can be in a relationship and still be on our own. A person can lie in bed with you and still be hiding! They can provide for you financially and come home in the evening and flop down in a chair and still not be there. As a woman, I know instinctly, when I am truly left home alone. But even when we sense that our mate is not there, we often do not know where they are. The worst part is that, we may not know how 2 get our mate back! I honestly believe that love is not a monologue; it is a dialogue. It is a dialogue that occurs between 2 people who do not know what the other's response will be. It is kind of hard to prepare for a converstion when you cannot predict the responses of the other person. It is this unpredictability that causes many of us (well me) to feel uncomfortable and afraid. It is this uncertaintly that keeps me from saying too much, or getting 2 close. I mean, who knows how the other person will respond when I start asking 4 what I really need and want? I do not really know why I am talking about all of this, I just realize that I am having an extremely difficult time opening up 2 Jesse (could it be that they are in a relationship of 112 yearz-not married, but might as well be? WELL Yeah-Duh!). Anywayz, I asked Jesse 2 tell me sumthing that they have never told me b4-what they shared wuz a little tidbit I didn't know-and it is that their parents were married 4 26yrs! I didn't know that!...That explainz where some of their level of commitment comes from....AUGH!! I have got 2 get a grip, I really like Jesse-A LOT!, but I want something that is for me...I want my mate 2 be a reflection of how God must love me. And I do not think that God loves me Partially, or with partial commitment- OR WITH NO COMMITMENT and fidelity at all. Even God's Word is filled with His promises to us. AUGH-I want Jesse 2 myself, and I do not feel that is possible at this time. Even if Jesse were to leave their relationship, they would still need time 2 heal, if we were 2 really have a relationship that is healthy. Anywayz, this "wanting, but can't have completely" keeps me closed emotionally, ambiguous, obscure, and fearful-which besides being a little ambiguous, the other characteristics are not natural 2 me when I am exploring or entering into a new relationship with someone-I like total disclosure! But with Jesse I jsut feel apprehensive....(but wait, Jesse and I are not in a relationship, or are we?;/) What would our relationship even look like? Have we made 2many errors already? Will those errors affect the outcome? If I could descern all of my errors, would I attempt to correct them in hopes of securing a loving and commited relationship with Jesse? AUGH!!! Anywayz, Flowz wants me to go to Federal Way with her 2morrow 2 visit "ReeRee." I just met ReeRee and her son a few weeks back at Flowz daughters birthday party, she is really cool, great personality. She just moved into a new place and Flowz has a house warming gift (or 2) for her new place:) So 2 ReeRee's I will go 2morrow-just for a short spell, gotta thingz 2 do;) Well, goodnight,peace and love from SoRare In Seattle ;)