Who Can Discern All Their Errors...

Well, today wuz a fabulous day;) MayMay went 2 camp and that gave me the entire day 2 reflect and make sum pretty concrete decisionz about what I want 2 be when I grow up! Talked 2 Flowz-I absolutely just love her....she does not even know what she gives me, and I would tell her, but I fear that I will sound weird-but seriously, I absolutely adore her and appreciate her friendship:) Jesse stopped by, unexpected, but delighted nonetheless;). This is the first time that I have been single in 19years. I have alwayz been in a relationship, or married-and 4 the 1st time in 19 yearz, I am single...I have been single since September of 2009 and I do not quite know what type of single person I want 2 be!? All I know is that, when it comes 2 sharing ourselves, it can be sooooo complicated at timez. Maybe it is becuz I know that Love spends its resources in caring. I mean, we enrich the one we love, but we do it by spending OURSELVES on them. Most are intimidated by the expense of an emotional commitment- I might just be intimidated a little right now-gun shy, even. But, Oh yes, I want the benefits of an emotional commitment, but I am AFRAID OF THE BILL! It is far easier for a person (or me) 2 give money, sometime my body, my advice, but when we are talking about giving my heart, then I am TERRIFIED. I began to ask myself questions like, "What will you do to me if I need you? If I allow myself to open up, what will come out of my heart?" We all wonder, especially me! And these questions and/or fears can suddenly, make even the most robust man, or confident woman begin to "TREMBLE" when they know that they have gone beyond wanting the other person, 2 actually needing them! Wanting someone is safe, but needing them is down right VULNERABLE! Anywayz, 2day, I am here home-alone. Not going 2 get 2 "preachy" (you've read my online journal- jsut go with me here for a minute!), but in Genesis 3:9-10 it reads "And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said to him, where are you? And Adam said, I heard Your voice in the garden,AND I WAS AFRAID, because I was naked; and I HID MYSELF." If God Himself had to ask man, "Where are you?" then surely we can see that our whole society, from fatherless chiledren to husbandless wives/wifeless husbands, we are all echoing the same valid question-"Where are you?" We all know that we do not have to be single to be alone. We can be in a relationship and still be on our own. A person can lie in bed with you and still be hiding! They can provide for you financially and come home in the evening and flop down in a chair and still not be there. As a woman, I know instinctly, when I am truly left home alone. But even when we sense that our mate is not there, we often do not know where they are. The worst part is that, we may not know how 2 get our mate back! I honestly believe that love is not a monologue; it is a dialogue. It is a dialogue that occurs between 2 people who do not know what the other's response will be. It is kind of hard to prepare for a converstion when you cannot predict the responses of the other person. It is this unpredictability that causes many of us (well me) to feel uncomfortable and afraid. It is this uncertaintly that keeps me from saying too much, or getting 2 close. I mean, who knows how the other person will respond when I start asking 4 what I really need and want? I do not really know why I am talking about all of this, I just realize that I am having an extremely difficult time opening up 2 Jesse (could it be that they are in a relationship of 112 yearz-not married, but might as well be? WELL Yeah-Duh!). Anywayz, I asked Jesse 2 tell me sumthing that they have never told me b4-what they shared wuz a little tidbit I didn't know-and it is that their parents were married 4 26yrs! I didn't know that!...That explainz where some of their level of commitment comes from....AUGH!! I have got 2 get a grip, I really like Jesse-A LOT!, but I want something that is for me...I want my mate 2 be a reflection of how God must love me. And I do not think that God loves me Partially, or with partial commitment- OR WITH NO COMMITMENT and fidelity at all. Even God's Word is filled with His promises to us. AUGH-I want Jesse 2 myself, and I do not feel that is possible at this time. Even if Jesse were to leave their relationship, they would still need time 2 heal, if we were 2 really have a relationship that is healthy. Anywayz, this "wanting, but can't have completely" keeps me closed emotionally, ambiguous, obscure, and fearful-which besides being a little ambiguous, the other characteristics are not natural 2 me when I am exploring or entering into a new relationship with someone-I like total disclosure! But with Jesse I jsut feel apprehensive....(but wait, Jesse and I are not in a relationship, or are we?;/) What would our relationship even look like? Have we made 2many errors already? Will those errors affect the outcome? If I could descern all of my errors, would I attempt to correct them in hopes of securing a loving and commited relationship with Jesse? AUGH!!! Anywayz, Flowz wants me to go to Federal Way with her 2morrow 2 visit "ReeRee." I just met ReeRee and her son a few weeks back at Flowz daughters birthday party, she is really cool, great personality. She just moved into a new place and Flowz has a house warming gift (or 2) for her new place:) So 2 ReeRee's I will go 2morrow-just for a short spell, gotta thingz 2 do;) Well, goodnight,peace and love from SoRare In Seattle ;)